Showing Posts From
Conversion
- 15 May, 2025
Feeling Better
School is finally over again! This semester has been very interesting. I remember struggling a lot at the beginning. I remember going for days without doing homework, and those horrible suicidal thoughts just made everything worse. As the semester progressed and I began work on my keyboard, I got increasingly absorbed into my work. I began feeling better and worked like crazy on concepts, Solidworks models, and renders. I enjoyed it so much. For my Adobe class, I designed a security camera, which I made into a little monitor, like a baby monitor, but for adults. It is colored a vintage blue and yellow. It has a little cute antenna and a push-to-talk button. Doing the Solidworks model was interesting. I really like blobjects and rounded forms. The camera is a little rectangle, but every face should have curvature. It just looks great. Just yesterday, I was looking at my Apple USB-C cable and comparing it to a very similar one that came with a MagSafe base. The Apple cable is completely continuous, even though the plug looks like an extruded slot. The expected planar horizontal faces are actually curved. That makes for a great look with smooth and continuous reflections and highlights. In contrast, the other cable is just a slot, two arcs connected by two horizontal lines. If you put it up to the light, you can see the reflections break where the arcs end and the lines begin. I thought that was very interesting. I’ll remember to use that in my designs. Anyway, I’m now realizing I didn’t use any Adobe software for this one, lol. Another project was to design our own watch since next semester we’re going to work with an actual watch company. I have my own brand already, my own logo, so that was easy. I made a minimalistic design, which is my jam. Everyone posted their moodboards and sketches on a collaborative board, and it was interesting seeing everyone’s different styles. Some preferred very involved designs, others went for fancy. I think I was the only one who picked other minimalist watches for inspiration, like Mondaine; ever since I went to Switzerland, I’ve been obsessed with the SBB clock and its signature movement. The design restriction was that the watch needed three complications: 24-hour, day, and date. Many just ignored the requirement, but I didn’t and got full marks! There was one class where I was falling behind, History of Product Design. Every week I was supposed to read the assigned readings and write a summary, find a quote, and find an object related to the reading. Since I was struggling so much at the beginning, I didn’t do many of the first readings; the habit stuck, and I didn’t do any work for the semester. At least I wasn’t the only one, and the professor was kind enough to open all the assignments until the end of the semester. Once I was done with the keyboard, I quickly submitted all the readings. I was not able to attend Hillel events for most of the semester because all events happened during my classes, although there were some that I could have attended, but I decided not to. Eventually, I went to the screening of the Prince of Egypt during Pesach and made matzah pizza. I attended talks about proper criticism of Israel and the connection to the land. For this last one, the coordinator laid out cards which pictured a connection to Judaism and the Land of Israel. I picked the one that had a person in front of a mirror. The person seemed sad, empty, but in the mirror, they were happy and had a Magen David on their heart. It immediately spoke to me. I know I am meant to be Jewish. I just haven’t gotten there yet. And when I feel bad for having my conversion on hold, I just tell myself in the mirror, “I’ve found my people. One day I’ll be completely Jewish, and I’ll be very happy.” The person sitting next to me had been to other Hillel events, but I had never talked to him. He picked a card with a family celebrating Chanukah and Christmas; he is a convert too! He told me, “You won’t regret it.” And then the event ended. I went to Finley to work on my keyboard renders, but I was distracted by a clear view of the New York skyline. I walked closer to take a photo and resumed my walk. I wanted to get something to drink from the vending machine first. After getting my drink, I was ready to get going, when someone stopped me. It was the same person from the Hillel event; earlier, he offered me Hamantaschen, but I was very full. He stood behind me holding up his cup of Hamantaschen. I laughed awkwardly and took two from him, then continued on my way. But before getting far, I decided to turn around and talk to him. It was a good conversation. He invited me to go to his synagogue one time and offered to introduce me to the Rabbi. I told him that I have not been satisfied with the observance of the Reform movement, and since he’s conservative, he told me that might be a good fit for me. I have been considering just that for months. I told him I was trans, and he reacted very surprised. He said he couldn’t tell; that was very nice to hear. It made me happy. So he said, Orthodox is definitely off the table, no objection there, and I want something deeper than Reform. So, conservative it is. Pesach was just next week, and we decided it would be too much for my introduction. We’ll see how this goes. I have not gone to the temple in about a year. I feel sad about that and feel like an imposter when I wear my Magen David since I’m not Jewish and I’m not actively converting. I know I’ll get there. Hopefully, now that I feel better, I’ll be able to move forward with that. And that’s been pretty much it. I’m finishing writing this post from Mexico; we’re on a trip with my grandma and aunt, and I’m exhausted because I woke up at 4 a.m., took a delayed 5-hour flight, then rushed to get from one terminal to the other and took another delayed one-hour flight. We managed to get dinner but couldn’t do much else for the day. So I’m happy to say that I feel better. It’s been rough, but I’ve found solace in my work. I create amazing things, which in turn motivates me to keep going. I know one day all this hard work will pay off, and I’ll be doing something I really enjoy, no matter how tedious it is, designing.
- 21 Dec, 2024
Religiousless, With a Jewish Heart, Forced To Observe Christianity
Yeah, I feel weird, religiously; I decided to put on hold my conversion to Judaism since my mental health began declining, I stopped going to temple, visiting my Rabbi, reciting Shema, and lighting Shabbat candles. As a Ger, someone who is currently converting, I felt comfortable wearing my Magen David and reciting blessings, but now, I don’t feel it’s correct for me to wear my necklace, so I haven’t. I’m in Mexico right now, I can’t believe it’s been a year since I was first feeling depressed but found hope in Judaism. I’m sitting right here where I felt that massive push out of nowhere to learn about Judaism, and since then I have done so many things that were unthinkable to me before. One thing I never stopped doing was attending Hillel events. Joining Hillel and attending all the events were some of the bravest things I’ve ever done, being terrified by paranoia outdoors, it took me a while to go and explore what I could do at school. I have met great people at Hillel, like my friend, who always gets excited when he sees me. I love attending those events, recently, we had a silent disco, I helped set up and stayed to dance, simply unthinkable for me before. Here with family, we are going to celebrate Christmas and go to gatherings, and there’s also something on January 6th about the Three Wise Men. I’m at a crossroads and honestly, I don’t know how to feel, I guess smile and enjoy being with family, but at the same time I don’t want to do it, Christmas is not a holiday I want to celebrate anymore, despite it never being religiously associated in my upbringing. Or maybe yeah, let’s celebrate Christmas, but then let’s also celebrate Hanukkah, which happens to start on the night of the 25th this year. We are an interfaith family now, I guess, but I’m still being ‘forced’ to observe the Christian traditions with no regard to my Jewish celebrations. It just feels weird. But like I said, Christmas isn’t overwhelmingly religious in my family, so I guess that as a family tradition, it’s okay to observe. My aunt does occasionally go around with a porcelain baby Jesus offering everyone to kiss his head; yeah, that’s an absolute no for me. I would love for my family to accompany me in lighting the menorah, perhaps ask what it means, and just enjoy the moment together. As I am preparing to go to sleep, my aunt comes into the room and gives me a blessing while doing a cross on me. I know she means well but, it feels weird. I’m thinking of reciting Shema for the next few days as a way to ascertain my faith despite partaking in Christian things without wanting to. Update Wednesday 12/25 I’m writing about it to calm down. So yesterday, after going to one of our appointments for the renovation of our visa, my mom decided to go to the church, it’s like the biggest here in Mexico City. We took a taxi there and my mom spent the time looking at the Virgin Mary. I was standing awkwardly to her side, following her around. I was surprised by the amount of idols all over the place; the whole trip made me sure that Christianity is not for me, and that I find myself at home in Judaism. At night we had a Christmas dinner, I managed to step outside while my aunt carried around the baby Jesus doll. I decided to come back to my room afterward to recite Shema. I was almost done with the last verses, I was so focused on my trope, really feeling it; but then my mom bursts into the room and interrupts me. This has happened many times, and it always makes me cry. I whisper the lines I had left after she left, crying. I lay in bed and begin to cry harder, my pillow was soaked. After a while I stood up to clean myself and go downstairs because I forgot my phone and a stim toy my mom gifted me that morning. My grandma immediately notices I was crying and begins to cry, assuming that my mom shouted at me. I leave telling her it’s nothing, but nothing else. Seeing her cry makes me cry even harder than before, I lay back down with my hair covering my face. Then my mom comes in, irritated because I have not brushed by teeth, she doesn’t notice I’m crying, I say nothing. After she left, more crying. I begin to hit myself on the head with the stim toy, first slowly and then rapidly before throwing it. Thoughts of wanting to die rush through my mind, and at this point, I’m saying out loud “kill me.” My mom comes in again saying “what’s wrong,” she tries to move my hair and sees me crying. With an irritated tone she asked me to move, I refuse. I begin telling her to please leave me alone, once more. She leaves mad screaming at me that I am blaming her for this, for some reason. I keep crying while any will to live within me is gone, I’m afraid that has not changed since. After a while, I stand up and realize the stim toy broke a glass I had on the nightstand. I go to the mirror to clean myself again, I ended up grabbing my hairbrush and slamming it against my head very hard. And now I’m writing this post.
- 20 Jul, 2024
Shavuot
Chag Sameach! Well, Shavuot happened a few days ago. (Weeks ago...) Gatherings at the temple were my first Jewish experiences coming back from our trip, and I was eager for them. I checked the temple's website and discovered there would be a prayer service on the first night of Shavuot, after which the congregation would split into study sessions, meet for cheesecake, and one last study session. I was somewhat nervous about it; people from other congregations would join ours, and I had never had cheesecake before, and it would be my first scripture study in person! It seemed like a lot, but I had been away from the Jewish community for so long, because of school, and then I got sick, and then we left on a trip. So I made the decision to go, I tapped the 'Register' button dramatically hard and wrote down my info. I sat in the sanctuary at my usual place for Shabbat, everyone greeted each other 'Chag Sameach' instead of 'Shabbat Shalom,' and we followed the Yom Tov part of the siddur. During candle lighting cantor mistakenly began to recite the blessing for Shabbat but corrected quickly, everyone chuckled. The breakaway lessons were discussing the Book of Ruth, interfaith encounters and a Talmudic character, and a discussion about revelation, covenant, and political theory. Being Shavuot I was eager to learn more about the book of Ruth. And for my second session, I wanted to know what a study session was like with my Rabbi so I attended his discussion about revelation at Sinai. I learned early on that Ruth is a very important convert to Judaism, she said those beautiful words to Naomi which underscored her commitment to her mother-in-law. During the lesson, we established that Ruth's commitment was not just to stay with Naomi, but it represented her commitment to the entire Jewish people, her newfound family. We learned that she could have just stayed in Moab but decided to go with Naomi to Beit Lehem and that despite her being a Moabite, her relative Boaz respected her. In a sort of midrash, we imagined what caused Ruth to exclaim: "Your people shall be my people, and your G-d my G-d." She had been part of Naomi's family for years, she had married one of her sons, and she spent time with them observing their holidays, getting to know their beliefs, and perhaps falling in love with them. I didn't say much in the discussion besides introducing myself at the start. We had to mention something we liked about Torah; I said I liked finding stories where I can see myself, and can relate. The time for the first sessions was over and everyone rushed into the meeting hall for cheesecake. There were so many types, I didn't know which one to pick. I went for some grapes, a muffin, and a small cheesecake with an Oreo on top. It was very cramped, I sat at a table that managed to stay open, though other people quickly joined. An old lady seemed surprised that someone my age would go to such an event alone, I mean, I guess its quite unusual. Perhaps I'm expected to be out partying with friends, but that's not my definition of having a good time. Eventually, the conversation led me to reveal that I'm not Jewish yet and that I'm still converting. I was not ready for her to ask, but she wondered why I was converting. I began to explain but, it was so loud I could barely hear myself, and I still had so much food to get through before the next session. Another person came in and began talking with her and she stopped paying attention to me altogether. I hurried to eat and slid out of the table quietly. My Rabbi called for people who wanted to attend his session to follow him, but I still had to get rid of my dirty plate. By the time I had dumped it, I had lost sight of him and had no idea where he was. Suddenly, a woman on her way out stopped to greet me. I think was the Spanish convert I mentioned some posts ago, she appeared equally friendly but I couldn't remember her face, which happens frequently. I pretended to act like I knew her while still attempting to dig out any memories that would help me remember who she was. Beginning to feel overwhelmed, I nervously asked her if she knew where Rabbi had gone. She accompanied me to the hall in a section of the temple I had no idea existed. I thanked her, and she left the opposite way she was originally walking out. I sat in the first available spot I saw, Rabbi was just about to get started. Sitting there I began calming down, I tuned out some and I cannot recall much of the talk except that people wouldn't know what to say when G-d's Name would come up in Rabbi's source sheet, and that when people sitting to my right had something to say everyone's heads would turn my way and that made me nervous for some reason. I remember Rabbi mentioning that the Israelites were standing at the foot of Sinai, but that the Hebrew actually says that they were underneath, which I had heard somewhere else. He said, "If the Israelites accept the Covenant then they live, if not..." He pretended to let go of something mid-air. At the end of the session, I went to Rabbi to return my source sheets—I had accidentally grabbed two. On the wall I caught a framed yellow star; those which Jews were forced to wear during Shoah. I had never seen one in person. It was impressive, not that it was surprising to see it there, I just can't describe the emotion. About the darkest thing I've seen in person about Shoah is an an actual train carriage used to transport Jews to an extermination camp in a museum in Mexico City. There are also tiny clay models depicting people entering gas chambers and Nazis pouring something through a hole. At school, I was also taught very thoroughly in my opinion about Shoah; little me would have never imagined I would one day call myself Jewish (to be) and feel undeterred by antisemitism. Anyway, I followed some people out and left. I sat in my car for a minute before driving back home. I felt really happy. The next day was the Yizkor service, and the Temple's calendar mentioned Megilat Ruth would be read, so I thought I'd show up. The website said they would be starting 10:30 in the morning, I arrived 10:25, however, the congregants were already done with the Shema and were moving into the Amidah! I quickly sat on an unusual spot before more turning heads noticed me. This was my first weekday morning service; Torah, Hallel, everything. It was my first time hearing from the Torah in person, later I was wondering if the Aliyot had the skills necessary to recite at any time or if they practiced the Parashah beforehand. It seems difficult; no markings of any kind, even the font used is different. Megilat Ruth was not read after all, but the service still felt great, even with the mourning vibe. And that was Shavuot, one more big Jewish holiday; I can't wait for the Days of Awe!
- 13 Jul, 2024
Still Sad?
In the final weeks of Fall 2023, I fell into a terrible depression, I could not bring myself out of bed, not even for my favorite activities, my mind was constantly blasted with long dormant flashes of self-harm, and I cried, desperately asking why I couldn't feel better. However, after discovering Judaism I gained an unexplainable drive to learn about it, even though finding motivation to do just about anything felt impossible. I spent hours hyper-focused on reading about the Torah, beliefs, and practices and remained distracted from those terrible self-harm thoughts. As time went by, such thoughts subsided; I went back to school with a newly found enthusiasm; having decided to convert to Judaism, I felt capable of making new connections, and I was ready to continue making impactful sketches that would impress my teachers. For a while, everything went well, I was regularly hanging out with my friends from Hillel, and in class, I was frequently commended for my attention to detail and great line weight in my sketching. But at some point, things began sliding back. Our courseload suddenly increased and I had to stay up all night frequently to do my assignments, but sometimes I just couldn't, and handing in things late made me feel really bad. This rhythm remained constant until the end of the semester and I tried my very best, but sometimes I was not able to make it. At home, I had begun to introduce Jewish practices into my routine, but I had yet to go to a synagogue and talk with the rabbi to officially start the conversion process. I knew I would have to tell my mom about my intention to convert, so I could go out without making dumb excuses. And I did, and her response was somewhat mixed, accepting, but then not, and talked with that hostile tone she does without thinking. I became scared to mention anything related to Judaism, and communication between us became shut. I cannot discuss the topic with her and it makes me hesitant to recite blessings for my food when she's around, and leaving the house for Shabbat service gets scary. I finished the semester barely sleeping but I did it, and with amazing grades, I even made it to the Dean's List. And recently, my mom has become slightly more open to talking about my conversion, she even accompanied me to a Shabbat service, that's a massive step in the right direction, Baruch Hashem! And yet, those self-harming thoughts still linger, it is still difficult to stand up each morning, or noon if I'm being honest. Why? It's clear I'm having trouble getting past this on my own, and like I did in December, I'm open to therapy, but it's so expensive plus it did nothing other than overdraft my bank account last time. Last week while walking in the park my mom began discussing what she calls my 'laziness.' This time I decided to just say it, I have not been doing well for the last half a year, and I need help. She switched to that hurtful tone and basically told me that I'm on my own. I don't know what I was expecting, last time I told her about my suicidal thoughts she just encouraged them. It is terrifying and dangerous that my own mother was telling me to just do it. Perhaps she thought I was not capable of doing it, but it could have gone both ways. But it's true, I found evidence that since I was 10 years old I've had these thoughts, but I have never harmed myself, because that's not really what I want. A mitzvah from the Torah has been keeping those thoughts away, When I get a flash I just tell myself to 'choose life,' and the negative thoughts go away. I just know that if my mom and I could just talk about everything, things would improve. But communication doesn't really exist between us. I can only ask Hashem to keep me hopeful. So, since the semester ended I was stripped of a familiar routine and now I struggle to do much of anything, so I've been working on an all-encompassing routine for the rest of the summer that will get me out of bed at a good time and to go outside for walks and exercise. I know that will help.
- 20 May, 2024
The First Step
Having decided to convert to Judaism, I now had to talk to a rabbi to officially start the process. This got delayed for many reasons; I’ve been very busy with school, my mom was considering moving and I didn’t want to contact a Rabbi nearby only to later move to another congregation, and I had a hard time—as usual—writing the email that would start it all. My mom eventually realized that there would not be any benefits in moving so she renewed our lease for two more years. With that safety, I then decided what my temple would be; I had attended many online Shabbat services from there, and I liked the welcoming environment. To attend Shabbat, I could just have filled out their in-person registration form, however, I thought talking with the Rabbi first would be a better idea. So after months of having the email on the back burner, I finally managed to put it together. I learned that Rabbis are encouraged to make three vigorous attempts to dissuade a potential convert to filter out those who might not have the real intention to become a Jew. Even though I knew that Reform Rabbis don't really follow that practice, I wanted to make a good impression, an email that showed all that I had learned and all that I had done. I sent it the early morning of a Tuesday and within a couple hours I got a response. Rabbi said he remembered my name from some of the online services and that he would love to meet me, so I reserved one of his first slots on Thursday morning. That Thursday I didn't have class, and I had already told my mom that, so I made the excuse that I had an event at school. So far I had not told my mom anything about Judaism, it was a scary thought, but I would have to eventually. So, after a confusion with the scheduled time caused by Gmail, I went to temple for the second time for my appointment—I drove to the park and sat there for two hours. Rabbi welcomed me into his office and he asked me many questions to get to know me. He never tried to dissuade me tho, he only asked if I was familiar with the rising antisemitism. I was expecting that question, I had practiced answering it beforehand with a verse from the Talmud. "What did you see that motivated you to convert? Don't you know that the Jewish people at the present time are anguished, suppressed, despised, and harassed, and hardships are frequently visited upon them?" Yevamot 47a. To which I responded in a note on my phone: "It is what feels right to me, what makes me happy. I know that expressing my Judaism through pride, Shabbat and holidays observance, and fulfillment of mitzvot might cause some people to want to do me harm, but I am not deterred. This is what I want to do because since I began learning how to live a Jewish life and integrating those practices into my life I have felt profound happiness, through every prayer, every song, every service, every mitzvah. That feeling is greater than their hatred." I didn't manage to convey my response that beautifully in person but I tried, and he seemed convinced. He encouraged me to come to Shabbat services in person as best I could and also told me to read a book by Anita Diamant titled 'Choosing a Jewish Life.' He also told me to sign up for an Introduction to Judaism course; he looked one up right there and said the tuition was around $500. I must have looked very surprised because he quickly told me that if I was unable to afford it he might be able to help. And I honestly don't know how I would be able to afford it on my own, however, I just thanked him for the offer and moved on. And that was the whole meeting! However, if I was going to be attending Shabbat services, I would have to tell my mom about my intention to convert to Judaism. After I met with my new Rabbi, I became a Ger, a person learning about Judaism for conversion. Not a Jew yet, it is a whole process that will take at least one year, so I’m exposed to the whole holiday cycle. Shabbat fell the day after my meeting, so that Friday evening I went to temple for the service. Going in person to temple and meeting new people was a very big step, I was however very optimistic about joining the community. The parashah that week was Tazria, perhaps not as memorable as my first Shabbat ever, Shabbat Shirah. I took my siddur and drove to temple. Everything went relatively smoothly since I had attended so many services online, I knew the outline of the prayers and when to stand. Only small details popped up such as moving side to side at the end of Lecha Dodi, bowing, lines that the congregation should respond with, and me awkwardly waving my hand when saying Shabbat Shalom—I did it without thinking but no one else does. After saying Kiddush and Motzi we all went to the social room across the hallway. Rabbi quickly spotted me and began introducing me to people. I met cantor—she sings so beautifully,—the current and future president of the temple and Rabbi’s wife. It was very exciting, I tried my best to be social and I think I succeeded. I sat with the president for the rest of the social hour. A third person sitting at the table began discussing with her the war in Gaza, he was terribly misinformed and their argument went on for a good thirty minutes. She said to me afterward, “Well, now you’ve experienced your first heated debate between Jews.” I had heard of those, I mean, what else the Talmud is! I went home after that, eagerly awaiting the next Shabbat. I arrived early to the next service, the sanctuary is pretty small and there are only four or five rows of seats facing the Ark, so I sat at the back this time. The clergy members were preparing for the service; cantor quickly walked past me and said “Nice to see you again,” patting my shoulders. That gesture made me very happy. I already felt in the right place, sitting there in the sanctuary, but that gesture made me feel part of the community. After the service, a very friendly lady came up to me and introduced herself, she told me that it was rare for someone my age to attend services, and I wound up telling her I was in the process of converting. She lit up telling me that she too was a Jew-by-choice. She asked me if I had already talked to Rabbi and we began talking about how he’s teaching me. Later when we split I saw that Rabbi was talking to her so I thought I’d go over there. Rabbi left as I got there and the lady asked me excitedly: “Do you speak Spanish!?”That’s when I recalled that Rabbi had told me during our meeting that a congregant was from Spain and she was a Jew-by-choice, that he’d like to introduce me to her to have someone I could talk to. She said Rabbi had told her that his student is from Mexico. That was very cool—his student. She told me as she left, “We have a lot to talk about,” and that she’d try to contact me later. That was such a nice encounter, we have not been able to meet again though. And that has been it so far, being very busy with school, for one Shabbat I had to join online again from the school’s workshop. And then I got sick with COVID and I did not attend for two weeks. And when I began feeling better we left on vacation to Greece and Jordan. That one’s going to be an interesting write.
- 12 Apr, 2024
Going Out to Events
Woah, it has been difficult to find time to write here. All of a sudden my workload ramped up from just a couple of sketches per class to dozens, even hundreds—that’s product design for you. I’m gonna write down some of the highlights from the last couple of months. After the Tu B’Shevat event, Hillel organized a group prayer for the hostages in the school’s prayer room. It was a little intimidating because the Muslim community on campus has basically taken over the entire room and social hall outside. They installed a custom-cut mat to the size of the room, and I guess that they didn’t want us to go in with shoes on. Just about when a conflict was about to begin, some guy took his shoes off and rolled the mat aside. Our ‘minyan’ consisted of six women, not quite 10, and not quite male, but the prayer was very powerful. Afterward, we went to a very little hang out room where I was able to introduce myself to other members of Hillel. It was very nice to begin meeting people. We talked about having little breakout clubs for more specific bodies of Jewish students, and about some of the antisemitism on campus lately. Hillel got us custom cups and solidarity dog tags for the hostages! Then we had a Shabbat dinner! We ate Chinese food, which I had never tried, and it was also my first time seeing candle lighting in person. It was very cool, many people came who were genuinely interested in the ritual. But there was a lot of noise, and I couldn’t find anyone to talk to, and I got overwhelmed. I left early, not by much, but I still enjoyed it! Afterward, we had a Hamantaschen Bake, it was very nice—and delicious. When I was coming in, I was disappointed that 'Sarah' (to protect the lovely person) was not there. She works for Hillel organizing and providing what’s needed for events. She has always been kind to me and I feel more comfortable when she is around. However other Hillel members I knew from previous meetings were there. And on the Thursday before Purim, after the minor fast ended we had a party at an arcade! I got a t-shirt with a Magen David made of Hamantaschen and everyone loved it. I was with my friend for most of the time, we played Tetris—which I suck at—and racing games. Hillel got us very delicious Mishloach Manot. I think this was the first time I’ve been to a party in a very long time. Lastly, this event was very special. We set up a Shabbat table with 134 empty seats in solidarity with the hostages in the middle of the quad. The scale was shocking, it really helps you realize what 134 people look like, missing. We put a plate and cutlery for everyone. We also took out candlesticks and spread them around the tables. I was in charge of taping many posters to the back of the chairs, staring at every single photo, name. I guess my subconscious memorized them because I would later recall when I was putting them on while reciting a prayer at temple. When we were done we sat at one of the outdoor tables on the quad and contemplated everyone walking by. Some took their time to read the information sign, others scoffed after looking at it for just a second, and others were confounded by the massive table and amount of empty seats. A group of Muslim students came around and just overlooked as we were setting the table. They suddenly walked off while shouting something. Later on, a lot more returned they sat at the stairs in front of the cordoned area we had. There was a crazy amount of police, but they wouldn’t really do anything against them. Until one of the people sitting took out a sign, which they were not allowed to. Although we had to complain before police did anything. We were ready to take everything down as soon as out allowed time ran out to avoid having the growing group outside give us shit because our time was over. They just sat there watching us take down all of the posters and everything. When we were done, everyone got a challah to take home. It was quite terrifying walking out of that cordoned area, but everyone was safe. Actually, I also participated in another event though not from Hillel. It was the Community Mitzvah Day from the Jewish Federation. It was very cool. I gave tzedakah and volunteered to pack food for Pesach. When I went into the building the rabbi there welcomed me and a family in front of me in Hebrew. The mom replied something in Hebrew and then rabbi asked me if I also spoke Hebrew, to which I nervously replied “no…just English.” My guess is that he asked the family the same thing and the mom replied something with the word anachnu, which was the only thing I picked up, to say that they all spoke Hebrew. Anyway, Rabbi said we could help assemble boxes of set up a station for a specific food item. I went for the boxes given my recent experience doing the same in Mexico when we emptied our old apartment and put everything in self-storage. I had set for myself the goal to be as social as possible, so I talked with the person who was already assembling boxes, whose name I regretfully can’t remember. When I told him that I go to college and that I am part of Hillel he got excited since he is involved with Hillel. Sarah arrived shortly after and we all had a good time assembling boxes. Later, Mark came by to help but we didn’t have an extra tape gun, so he proposed he’d fold the box and I would tape it. We were going crazy fast, we were stacking the boxes in a pyramid but it got sooo big, I was completely boxed in at the very end, I couldn’t take a step. I then went around the food stations a couple times. Sarah waited for me for her final lap and we took a selfie for Hillel’s page. I’ve managed to do so much after deciding to convert to Judaism. Never before had I attended such events from a group at school, or gone to parties with friends. I’m really excited about this journey and proud of the steps that I’ve taken so far.
- 17 Feb, 2024
Joining Hillel
I’ve joined a Jewish organization at school, Hillel! They are very nice and welcoming! I honestly have never met a nicer group at school. So, I first registered for an event they were hosting, a talk by a Holocaust survivor. The story was very moving, I’ve never heard an account in person like that. When it ended, I approached someone—the same person who introduced the speaker and ended the event—and told them I was interested in joining Hillel. They asked me for my details and also asked me if I was Jewish. I said “not exactly,” I mean, I’m a Jew-to-be, so I told them that I am converting to Judaism. And later that evening I received an email confirming my membership! And, I just want to underscore that joining a club in person like that was a monumental step coming from me. Talking to someone new is something that I find very difficult, but this time I could actually do it! I really wanted to join, and I guess that helped me. Since then, I have attended more events from Hillel. My second event was a talk by a Palestinian advocate. I really wanted to attend this one and hear the perspective and thoughts of someone who is from Palestine. When I arrived at school, I noticed they had changed the venue. The event was going to happen in the Student Center, in a very small conference room. The venue was now across the road, in University Hall, the biggest building on campus, and at the very top floor. I took the elevator to the seventh floor and when the doors opened I was welcomed by countless police officers. I was a bit scared and didn’t know where to walk, but one of the officers told me to go down the hallway. There was a big line; people had to check in before going into the conference hall. Many people didn’t register beforehand and they were backing up the line. When I finally walked in, I first looked out the windows. The view was incredible; campus is already on top of a hill, and I was in the tallest building. We were facing the opposite direction from New York City though, so that was a shame. Walking further into the hall I found two sides of the room to sit at. On the left side people seemed to be students, and on the right teachers and other visitors. The left side, however, was already pretty cramped, so I decided to sit at the far right of the hall. Then, just minutes after the event had started, most people sitting on the left side of the room stood up at once. They shouted something in a foreign language and left. It was scary, police didn’t do anything. The speaker kept talking all throughout. Just think about it for a moment, the Palestinian speaker is here sharing his opinion on how to solve the conflict in Israel, and those people, claiming to support a ‘free Palestine’ do something like that; to an actual Palestinian! Anyway, the speaker also mocked the situation. Afterward, when people were asking questions, someone in the row behind me started talking. He claimed to be an English teacher at the university. He was just reading from a paper and never asked a question; he was rambling on about some statistics. His question was more like a statement justifying the actions by Hamas and people started getting mad. Someone asked him loudly: “Sir, what’s your question?" Before soon, everyone was shouting and telling him to shut up. Even the speaker—still holding the microphone—shouted at him, telling him to sit down and shut up. Police came in this time and dragged him out of the room. I was very overwhelmed by the noise. I get a weird response when people shout at each other. I cried a bit, but it was not too bad. I managed to calm down and the event ended quite happily, despite those incidents. I greeted the person I had approached to join Hillel and offered to help clean up but there was nothing to clean, so they just thanked me. They told me we were going to have a planting event for Tu BiShevat and I told them I would attend. I later realized that I had class at the exact time of the Tu BiShevat event, so that day I arrived earlier to school and went to to venue of the event to at least help set up things. I met the same person again who signed me up to Hillel and told them I might just make it to the event after class. And I did, most people had already left, but some hadn’t. I started talking to someone while I decorated my pot. I’m so glad to be meeting some Jewish peers! I wrote ‘טו בשבט’ on my pot and drew a little tree. They had some seeds left over, so I selected Spearmint because I was told the plant smells very nice. So now I’m waiting for the seeds to grow. It’s been great being part of the Jewish community at school, everyone is really kind; even though I’m a bit awkward, they are respectful. I’m looking forward to more Hillel events. Next Friday we are having a Shabbat dinner, and later we are baking some Hamantaschen for Purim!
- 24 Jan, 2024
Shabbat Shirah, War, and Mezuzah
I loved this Shabbat Shirah! I attended the online service of a reform temple nearby. I really wanted to attend in person, but I wouldn’t know what to do; one day I’ll do though. Women from the congregation sang so beautifully in Hebrew, recalling the initiative of Miriam the prophetess. Then came candle lighting. I do not have candlesticks yet, so seeing the tall candlesticks being lit at the temple felt very nice. But the singing though, it was outstanding. There was so much passion, and dedication to their performance—like a concert, or like an opera really. I could loosely understand some words in Hebrew, but it was enough to understand what was being sung. What I loved the most was the melodies. That is something I still don’t know much yet. I just know that Hebrew cantillation helps in reciting from the Torah using a melody. I felt the warmth of the community, and even though I was just on a Zoom call, I felt connected. And then came reciting from the Torah. When the scrolls were carried out of the Ark, and after the blessing, people sitting in the front rows formed a circle in front of the bimah and started singing and dancing. They carried the Torah scrolls and walked around the circle. It was very surprising, but the dance, it was like the sort of dance people would do at a party, it was amusing, and a little unexpected! I’d be terrified of messing up while carrying a Torah scroll. After that, all Torah scrolls but one went back to the Ark. Then, women took turns reciting the Parasha. Later, the scroll was lifted in the air and then rolled up. Another blessing. The service concluded with saying Shabbat Shalom to each other, and very good piano & drums music. It was very heartwarming, and made me feel happy to have found such a wonderful and welcoming community! Throughout the service, there was a lot of talk about the attack on October 7th. I have been following the war closely, and I just cannot comprehend how some people cannot understand what is going on, or just don’t want to see the truth. I just hope the hostages are returned safely and future threats are eliminated. We sang Acheinu, praying for the return of the hostages. I don’t want to finish this post on a bad note, so, yesterday, my mum and I went to an open house, as we are thinking about moving. Firstly, we had been there just last week for another open house. I found out that there is a very active Jewish community there, and I’d love to live somewhere where there are fellow Jews, (when I finish my conversion) although that’s not the reason we’re moving. Unfortunately, my mum didn’t like the house. But yesterday, almost as a surprise—because I didn’t recognize the way—we went to the exact same neighborhood! Literally, one street away from the other house. We both loved this one. We’ve checked out several options, but this one, it’s just great. As we were walking around, we entered the garage, and on my way out, I saw a mezuzah on the doorpost. I missed it when going in! Anyway, when I entered the house again I touched it and then kissed the finger that touched it. That is the first mezuzah I’ve seen in person! Anyway, just something cool I wanted to share. Sunday Update Once again, we went to the same place! It really feels like Hashem wants to bring us close to a Jewish community. Lastly, there was another mezuzah, lol.
- 23 Jan, 2024
Jewish Life Learning
I have learned so many things!! I’m very surprised by how much dedication I put into this, I just love it! I’m writing this post on Shevat 14th, tomorrow is Tu B’Shevat—my first Jewish holiday! I made a donation to have some trees planted, as is customary for this holiday. Those trees will turn two years old tomorrow as Tu B’Shevat marks the New Year for Trees! Also, the upcoming Shabbat is a special one, it is called Shabbat Shirah, which aligns with the weekly Parasha: Beschalach. This portion contains the parting of the Red Sea, where the Israelites passed through. Shabbat services are accompanied by the singing of the Song of the Sea to express gratitude. I have not been able to attend a Shabbat service yet, however, this week I have decided to attend online, although I would love to attend in-person. I’m very excited about it, I think it will be a very nice experience, which will actually be my first Shabbat service! In my personal Torah study, I’ve actually caught up to this week’s Parasha. Just yesterday I finished Bo. I’ve been reading in English though, and I understand it is not quite the same; Hebrew has some semantics that just don’t translate well. However, my Hebrew learning has been going great! By now I recognize all the letters in the alefbet and I can read pointed text at a moderate pace. And I can also write words I hear without the Nikkud. But I still have to learn some more. I feel very proud of my progress, and I’m deeply thankful for the effect this journey is having on me. Just a month ago I couldn’t bring myself to do things I really like, like drawing. Now, I’m smiling again, I’m not having intrusive thoughts anymore, and I can pick up my pencil and sketch away; I feel much much better now.
- 13 Jan, 2024
Judaism
So this one is unusual, but hopeful, and happy. So during my depression time, December (Kislev), I began seeing this nine-branched candelabra everywhere, and wondered what it meant, though I knew it was a Jewish thing and related to Chanukah. Wednesday of the second week, before my Anatomy Sketching test I heard someone refer to it as a Menorah, though I actually didn’t understand the exact word. So I went on Wikipedia to the Chanukah page and there I learned about Menorahs and later Chanukah, I read both pages entirely in hyperfocus before my teacher arrived. But I didn’t go any further into more research. I also came to realize that many people around me were Jewish, I remember we didn’t have class on Rosh Hashanah earlier in the year. One of my favorite childhood books is “When Hitler Stole the Pink Rabbit” which is about a Jewish family escaping to the UK. And I have also been very interested in the war between Israel and Hamas. And I became more interested to learn more about Judaism and Jews. Later when I was in Mexico, on New Year’s Eve I had some kind of impulse which I can only describe as coming out of nowhere. I went to the Judaism article on Wikipedia and read it. In a citation, I saw a website called JewFAQ so I went on it too. And then I had the most intense hyperfocus session in a long time; I lost track of time and spent hours reading and learning about Jewish life. I learned about the Tanakh, Divided into the Torah, Nevi’im, and Ketuvim. I learned about Halakhah and the 613 Mitzvot, about Kashrut and Kosher/treif foods, the holidays, Shabbat, the calendar, and even Hebrew. I also began reading the Torah. I really don’t know from where all this motivation to learn comes from while I couldn’t even enjoy things like flag trivia or playing Geoguessr, things that would make me very happy before. And so, the way that I see it is that G-d, through my autisticness is driving me away from bad feelings. And yes, my self-harm thoughts have stopped, and I feel much better now. And I say through my autism because G-d made me that way, and it of course was no mistake. And it is my autism and hyperfocus and hyperfixation that have distracted me from negative feelings. And I am very thankful for that. Also, within Judaism, or at least certain branches, I am accepted as a trans woman. I even found a Tefillat with Brachot for trans people, it includes blessings for when you feel gender euphoria of dysphoria, for when making a trans friend, and even for before taking your estrogen, the last of which I have been reciting for the last three days. No one ever told me that religion could be inclusive of people like me, trans. Jewish people are very inclusive and accepting of someone like me who is trans. And the community is very tight-knit and wholesome! I am feeling a lot better now, I log my daily mood on my phone and there is clearly a difference now. I feel very thankful for having found a new connection with G-d. And so I want to convert to Judaism. I feel a push from within, as if I had found home after a long time. Where I live there are many Synagogues and Temples; I’m going to visit some of them to see which one I feel more comfortable in. At first I was thinking about Reform, but services are wildly different from what I have learned, so I think Conservative might be a good fit. There is a Jewish Center nearby, which is conservative, and the building is beautiful. They offer Hebrew classes and Torah Study classes too. So to start the process I need to talk to the Rabbi there about conversion and see if they would be interested in guiding me. A very cool thing that happened after reciting the Bracha for estrogen is that the next day, I was lying on my bed with my arm resting on my chest. I suddenly moved it and felt my left boob being a bigger size than usual. This happens every now and then. Even though I look at my body every single day, the changes are not noticeable right away, the realization just hits me like a truck one day. And it feels awesome, full of gender euphoria. Old me might have not thought much of it. But now with my newly acquired knowledge, I feel very thankful that I am able to transition. G-d helps me with that, and reciting the blessing the day before was my first time thanking for the blessing that is being able to change your body to bring me happiness. So after feeling euphoria, I then recited the other Bracha, for when you feel gender euphoria. Since I am still learning Hebrew, reciting blessings has felt like reading something with no meaning, although clearly, that is not the case. But this time, I felt a connection, I felt listened. And I began to cry, but now out of happiness. Learning about Judaism has brought me so much happiness with this inexplicable motivation, so for now, I will keep learning as much as I can.