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Sexuality

I Have a Girlfriend!

I Have a Girlfriend!

Changed original title from “Excited” This is a short one... I am very excited, and a little bit nervous. Last week, I attended again the trans support group I had been to over a year ago. As I went into the room, feeling paranoid, I spotted two people sitting at a table nearby; they were the smallest group so I figured I'd join them. We exchanged pronouns, and found out all three of us were trans girls. Instead of joining the support group session, we stayed outside and talked, we seem to really like each other. I was very quiet, as it was my first time out again that wasn't going to school, but I think I did good. We exchanged numbers and went our separate ways. The next day I received a message from this girl that I found really cute. We had talked about drawing and she wanted to see some that I have done. I was sooo nervous even messaging her. It's been almost a week, so I messaged her to see if she'll be going to the group and said she will. I'm very excited about seeing her again, I don't want to share much for now, but I think we have a good chance at becoming good friends. I wanted to get that out my chest, I'm so happy to have met her. Update 21:15 It was sooo good! We met again and talked for a while, she knows so many interesting things. She told me she appreciates how nice I've been with her, and later told me it's okay not to make eye contact, or try to act a certain way, I mean she was very nice about me being autistic. No one's ever been that nice to me before, I was about to cry. And like I said above, she also said we do have a good chance at becoming close. So yeah, I'm very happy! After we parted ways, I did break to tears in my car, but of happiness. We are planning to meet some other day, outside of the support group, so, let's see how that goes. I've been hugging my pillow so hard with a big smile on my face since I came back, and it seems she's also happy to have met me. Update 08/15 12:30 am I just got off a phone call with her! Yesterday, I randomly decided to ask her if she wanted to play a game together; I thought I would come off as annoying, but actually, she was very excited since she likes gaming a lot. I called her and we played Minecraft for some three hours. We played on Bedrock, and it really has changed a lot; after getting Java—legitimately—last year, I never looked back to Bedrock, I was very surprised you don't even need to set up a server, Xbox Live now allows you to invite friends to your world. We played with mods, which made it more interesting, though a little overwhelming at first. She started building a base, following her favorite design from past worlds. When my mom arrived home, she started asking me to do a lot of things, and I began feeling overwhelmed, so I told my friend that we should play later, though before disconnecting, I hid a cherry sign saying "You're cute :3" Since she kept playing, I told her I hid a sign for her, but a while had passed and she couldn't find it, so I told her where it was. We've been exchanging messages, saying how glad we are to have met, she says she really likes talking to me—I'm sooo happy!!! We played just now again, I got to talk to her again, we were supposed to wait until Friday, but we just couldn't wait any longer, lol. We played on another world, and while she was tending to her farm, she brought up my cherry sign; it made her happy, and although a little nervous, she called me cute! I felt shocked as I heard that, and immediately started crying, I was just so happy. We jumped onto the other world for a while and she had decorated the base so nicely, and got some gear for me. I saw on the Xbox app that she got the achievement for placing a sign during the day and immediately thought, "I have something to look for..." And yeah, she wrote me a message back. The gaming session tonight was very laggy, so we quit playing but kept talking; we might meet in person again soon! She makes me so happy, I really enjoy every minute I'm on call with her. I love how much she knows, even how she communicates, I mean, we get along quite well. Update 08/26 04:13 Oh my, the amount of things that have occurred in the last weeks, I’m sure I’ll get to write a proper update. I’ve gotten to know this person, we connect really well, I’ve been with her to the park several times, been on the phone for hours upon hours, we went to the mall, and to her place. Thinking there’s no way she could like me, I told her anyway what I felt, how much I like her, and… She’s my girlfriend now. We’re having a sleepover and I brought an air mattress, but didn’t need it since I slept with her on her bed. We kissed, it felt soooo good! I can’t even believe that all this is happening.Since this was a short post, I'll write about some updates for the blog. Maybe you have not noticed, but I improved the CSS theme, and now the blog looks cleaner. That annoying drop cap is gone, and the position of the rounded corners of the featured post adjust depending on the size of your screen. Next up, I'll publish a post on my story with computers. I know, it is very different compared to what I often write here, but it is a story I love telling, so, I'd love to write it down. Another addition will be an essays page, a small collection of essays I've wrote either for school or just for fun. Some include a petition to shift priorities from finding a cure for autism, to instead focus on society's acceptance and accommodation of our differences. Another focuses on the increase of hate speech on Twitter after Musk's takeover of the platform, yay, fun... And another one is entirely made to promote Derivakat's unique approach at making music live, with fans. Actually, about this last one, I wrote that Derivakat paper just before her rebranding, as the first Archive was dropping. I, just another one of her fans, am so so proud of her. Her music touches feelings that leave me smiling, crying, hoping. She keeps releasing amazing songs that are not just upbeat, but have such deep meanings, it's hard not to feel that happy-weepy feeling. Melody is a song that captures Kat's journey through songwriting so well, her music is truly awesome. Ever since I discovered Kat in 2021, she's been my favorite artist, and seeing her grow this much makes me very happy. Her last release, Archive #02: Desire has been accompanying me through my loneliness, and desire to be with someone. I wish I had someone to love, someone who loves me back—as I've recently come to realize, a girl. Anyway, that was quite the detour. Another addition will be an about me page, I plan to design little boxes with facts about me, something like the Wikipedia Userboxes. And I can guarantee you, one of them will say something along the lines of: "This user signifies an abrupt change in thought with an em dash (—)" I hate that em dashes have become a tell tale sign of text generated by AI. I use lots of them, and they come out of need for a slight pause, a little "out of the moment" in-line comment, that a comma simply cannot achieve. I will continue to use them for this reason, but please, just know it is me writing plainly, no LLM here. And, that's all for now. I really should go to bed, and this evening, I'll meet this cute person again, and hope we'll become close.

Three Years as a Trans Woman

Three Years as a Trans Woman

It’s been a while since I last wrote about trans stuff on the blog; things have been chill, transition-wise, but here are some things worth telling. So firstly, medications. Last December I was switched to injections of Fensolvi which substitutes the Spironolactone. My doctor suggested this would be a good choice because I am forgetful with my doses, and with the injection I would only need a dose every six months. Also, Spiro might have been making my POTS worse, combined with the psych meds, I literally was about to pass out every time I stood up. And I guess this is a good time to say that I’m off psych meds; there’ll be a post on that soon. I had my second dose of Fensolvi a couple weeks ago but POTS symptoms never went away. My doctor wouldn’t believe I exhibited those symptoms for other reason other than the Spiro—I’ve had this since I was 13. We discussed increasing my Estradiol dose because I have not noticed many changes lately, but my labs show that my body is responding well to the treatment, for example, my LH and FSH blood tests came back pretty low, which is good, there is almost no testosterone production. It’s a little hard to notice changes, especially at this point in my transition. I look like a woman and everybody seems to agree. If I had to say, my ass has gotten much bigger; I got a new dress for the beach and when I looked in the mirror, well… My titties too…they are so soft. I feel the psych meds fucked me up so much. They lifted me up from the terrible depression I was in, I stopped having psychosis other than paranoia, but I was left empty, emotionless. I used to say, “Someone could die in front of me and I wouldn’t even react.” Just lately I have noticed my emotions are coming back, I smile more, laugh. During the time I was on the meds I also put on some 10 kg, which I was kind of expecting but, now I have to work on that. And also, when masturbating, I can be shaking, moaning so hard, and finally feel like I came, but literally not a drop comes out, like nothing. It’s not so bad, I mean I still feel everything, but I could do it just fine before the meds. Socially, it’s been hard. I have attempted a couple times to go to trans support groups but something just doesn’t work with me. I always had great difficulty explaining this feeling of feeling like I don’t belong in such spaces. The best way I can put it is that people in those spaces are very expressive and loud. They like going to protests or to pride parades, and have very colorful hairstyles, whereas I prefer to stay in the background and live a quiet life. I still live loud and proud but perhaps not to that extent? I don’t think it’s a bad thing either, I’ve read about radical visibility and it’s such a cool way to express yourself without fear, but that’s just not me. ChatGPT says that it is a common experience, that I don’t have to “be loud, expressive, colorful, political, extroverted.” That I don’t have to “march in a pride parade or dye my hair rainbow. Living quietly, and peacefully is just as radical.” That’s what I said to myself when I began transitioning, that I would be this example of a trans person who was just like the others, that my identity doesn’t make me different, or less. People always see me as a girl, so I guess I pass well. Even on the phone, people call me miss—passing on the phone might be the ultimate goal. And the couple of times I’ve come out to people, they are usually shocked to know. It feels very nice, and fills me with euphoria. And about gender dysphoria, it comes and goes. Most of the time I feel cute and pretty; looking in the mirror only confirms that further, but on some days, I don’t feel as pretty. It’s not like I don’t feel like a woman or I feel like I look like a man, it’s just, I don’t feel as pretty. It usually goes away that same day, but yeah, it’s not so bad. ([Update Jun 13] I watched a video by Icky where she mentioned something similar to my experience with gender dysphoria. At this point in my transition, I don’t really experience dysphoria, I identify as and feel like a woman. She says it’s more like body dysmorphia, which does sound more like it, though I don’t experience it severely, or for long.) I am grateful I have never encountered a situation of transphobia, which can be rare, but I feel it’s important to highlight this small win. Clothing has been…okay, I guess. Buying clothes is difficult sometimes, because I’m with mom and she recommends something, like some tight leggings. As much as I would love to wear those, there would be an issue…with my girldick. We don’t have good communication, so try explaining that in a busy store. It overwhelms me too much and I end up buying nothing. But I do have some cute dresses for spring and summer, sweaters for the winter, etc. I find skirts and denim shorts are the most comfortable to wear because, I don’t even have to tuck, and I can rest assured nothing is visible. When wanting to work out, I only had leggings, so I would wear a pair of slightly undersized underwear which would hold everything together, but I was very nervous about things slipping out, but then I got some shorts, and even sports skirts, they are awesome. I have been to the beach several times, I went and got my first women’s swimwear, and I looked great. At first, I went with safety and chose one with a skirt and a bra. On another trip I got a bodysuit and wore a separate skirt. But on my most recent trip I just wore the bodysuit. I mean, it’s tight enough, and you legit couldn’t tell there’s something there. It was very nice not having to hide. Lastly, I want to put to words some thinking I’ve been having about my sexuality. Before I even discovered I was trans, I knew I was bi; I liked girls and also boys. Little by little, and as I discovered I was supposed to be a woman, my attraction towards men became bigger over women to the point that once I identified as trans, I knew I was a straight woman. For more than a year I went with that, until I read a book titled “The Quiet and the Loud” by Helena Fox. In this story, two girls suddenly kiss after growing closer. Reading that part made me feel something in my chest and stomach, it made me inexplicably happy, and felt like I wanted to do that with another girl. I mean, it’s a feeling I will never forget. I didn’t think much about it, and over the next months I kept coming back to that chapter, which triggered the exact same feeling. Some time later, I saw a video of a lesbian couple having a photoshoot, one of them sneakily got passed a ring and proposed to her girlfriend, they proceeded to kiss and hug, and it was so magical! Once again, I had the feeling of wanting to have a girlfriend and kiss. I feel my attraction towards women is growing bigger over men. I think of having a girlfriend, maybe a trans girlfriend and cuddling, kissing, giggling, it makes me feel so happy. I am very binary and high-fem, and someone like that would be such a perfect match. I have been thinking a lot more about having a trans girlfriend, there is something so special about t4t. We would understand each other, maybe be more comfortable with each other. I see us growing together, accompanying each other through our trans journey. There’s a person I like from school, she’s very bright, outgoing, and cute. I love hearing her talk—she can do it so easily. When she laughs, I feel overwhelmed with joy. I’ve worked with her on some design projects and helped her with a computer issue, but most of the time I feel scared of talking to her, even though I sit right next to her. I know she’s got a boyfriend, and she’s probably straight, so I know nothing might ever happen, but I can’t avoid feeling happy when she’s around. I told one of my friends about liking her, and she was surprised. She said, “But she has a boyfriend!” And I just wailed, “I knowww :c” She said that was a cute reaction. So yeah, I hope one day to find someone to love—and who loves me back. And to conclude, the future. About surgeries, I think I’m good. I love how my body looks, and although in the future my preference might change, for the time being, I’m happy with how I look. I know it’s annoying worrying about a bulge showing in my crotch, but honestly, it never really happens. I’m happy with my chest size, it’s managed to grow a lot in three years, I love touching them, feeling how soft they are, it’s great. And about my face, well, I did have that nose surgery, which was cosmetic, but combined a little correction and now I can breathe better. That procedure feminized my face so much; everyone always compliments my nose, but I credit the procedure and the following recovery period as one of the triggers for my depression. I don’t know if it makes sense, but since then, my mood began declining to what you all know happened. But yeah, I don’t regret doing it, but I would not do it again. The rest of my face is pretty feminine, I think, so yeah, I’m good for the moment. I know there are still a few years for me to reach the full development that comes with HRT but, I feel finished. I’ve felt comfortable in my body for a while, but changes keep coming that make everything even better, so I hope that continues. Update 7/1 So, I realized that I didn't go into much detail about what it was like coming out, getting new clothes, my social life, early HRT changes, name change; I mean, I have gone through so much, and I think it's worth telling. I put off coming out for about a year. Many times I promised myself I would come out to my mom by a certain date, only to end up sighing "one day..." I was 15, and every day, I watched my body transform into something I knew I wasn't. I put off coming out because I was afraid of how my family would react; I heard stories online and was scared of being abandoned, disowned. But eventually, I came to the realization that staying quiet also resulted in a negative outcome. I didn't think whether it was worse than a bad reaction, but it was negative either way. Staying quiet meant never finding out if I would be received positively or not, and thus, the most logical option was to come out, and I had to do it as soon as possible to hopefully get access to HRT and stop the unwanted changes to my body. And so I did, and trembling in fear before each family member, I was flooded with everyone's understanding and support; it is such a blessing to have your family's support like that. Short after coming out to my mom, I got my first girl clothes. It was awkward, to say the least. I was standing there, in my boy clothes, and my mom, rather regrettably, the processing of the change still pending, was suggesting what I should get. I got some gray leggings, a pink striped blouse, and a scratchy sports bra. Finding a bra that fit early on was really hard, I struggled with that up until, maybe two years in. No bra fit comfortably around my torso, and the only ones that did had a big cup size, but I hadn't even started HRT yet. Eventually, I found some spandex sports bras that had an almost flat, removable pad. I mean, they were basically plastic bags on your chest—not fun in the summer. In the weeks after starting HRT, I grew breast buds, and it was incredibly painful if they were touched. I'm a side sleeper, but for about a year, I had to sleep facing straight up because it hurt soo bad lying on my side. And of course, during that time, I couldn't do much with my nipples; it would just hurt a lot, but now, I mean, rubbing them sends me crazy, lol. So like I said, about two years in, those spandex bras became essentially binders, my chest had now grown, and those bras were not helping my look. I stumbled upon a Hanes bra that didn't follow the traditional sizes, I got a medium and it fit perfectly; it got around my chest and my boobs filled the cup just fine. And just recently, I switched to a less bulky type, with thinner straps, and they're great. I'm very thankful to have been able to start HRT at 16, and now my body is exactly what I feel it should be in my mind, I look great and I love it. Getting my name change and updated documents was relatively easy, though still a pain. Just months before coming out, name and gender change for trans people had become an expedited process in Mexico City, while before, you had to go to trial to have a chance at changing your identity. I sent the email with the required documents and went to the government office with my mom to pick up my updated birth certificate. They seal your past identity, which is great, but it makes you a newborn, basically. I had no records to my name, I mean, overnight, I lost my passport, school, and medical records, which now had to be amended individually. My mom helped me massively with this; she went to talk to the principal at my school, went to the education department offices over and over until finally, my previous records were updated. I got my passport after three attempts, just in time before moving to the US, and arriving here, my past self practically never existed. I continued HRT in the US, and for the first time, I took a selfie. I loved how my body was now changing in the correct direction. Here, my doctor was more concerned with how my body was reacting to the medication; she ordered lots of blood tests and even bone density tests. My hair grew longer, though I got it cut slightly shorter than shoulder-length because that's how I like it; though currently, I'm going to grow it out way more for the first time.