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Trans log

Quick Update

Quick Update

Hello! It has been a while since I have written here. I must say I have been quite discouraged from writing since my last posts are more rants and recollection rather than structured thoughts, stories, and opinions. Additionally, I have realized I share a lot in this blog, which is meant for my experience as a woman pertaining to a variety of identities and going through multiple experiences. I am supposed to write interesting and well collected stories from my life, not recaps after a couple months which read more like diary entries. For this last reason, I have started to journal, privately, I will recollect my experiences during the day, or whenever I remember, and from there, source material for the blog. I will write better pieces with the aim to share a bit of my experience, just not everything. I want to take a moment and go through a couple of topics I would like to write about here. One I am very excited to share is my story with computers. How I began using very crappy laptops, only admiring tower PCs, to having a mishap with a laptop's hard drive that has left be scared hahah. To how I fixed such laptop that now serves as my media server, running Linux and Docker. This post would include learning to leave Google behind, mostly. Learning how to manage my domain and its DNS records. Putting it behind Cloudflare for protection against AI scrapers. You might have noticed a bot challenge before entering the blog. Trying Linux on my main laptop, which is now one of the fastest, finally, really. And a few more things. I want to write about an increasing anxiety, thinking things will go wrong, things will break, things will not happen like I would like them to, thinking I will get sick, thinking I'm doing something wrong, it is very odd and happening more and more. Perhaps in a while I could talk about aging out of my original visa and remaining in the US as an international student. This might be sensitive to talk right now, but all I am doing is sharing my experience with trying to continue with my livelihood and the apparent limbo that it is to be a documented non-resident. Lastly, I could talk about school, but this is just the same old tale. My current semester is harder than the last and I'm about to jump off a cliff, that's the cycle at this point. My last semester went terribly and it's a developing situation, so I will write about it later. As for my girlfriend and me, we are well and happily in deep love with one another eehehe, sooo, this is a topic I would like to leave to ourselves and not talk about it here as much. I will correct the course of the blog and make it the enjoyable read I want it to be. Update June 03 I have been making progress to leave Blogger behind by using Astro and Cloudflare pages. Over the next month, that blog will replace this one, though for my own sanity, I'll leave the Blogger site up at translog-backup.naoko.design. I am not experienced in HTML at all, so it has been a learning experience yet, the new blog is almost ready.

I Have a Girlfriend!

I Have a Girlfriend!

Changed original title from “Excited” This is a short one... I am very excited, and a little bit nervous. Last week, I attended again the trans support group I had been to over a year ago. As I went into the room, feeling paranoid, I spotted two people sitting at a table nearby; they were the smallest group so I figured I'd join them. We exchanged pronouns, and found out all three of us were trans girls. Instead of joining the support group session, we stayed outside and talked, we seem to really like each other. I was very quiet, as it was my first time out again that wasn't going to school, but I think I did good. We exchanged numbers and went our separate ways. The next day I received a message from this girl that I found really cute. We had talked about drawing and she wanted to see some that I have done. I was sooo nervous even messaging her. It's been almost a week, so I messaged her to see if she'll be going to the group and said she will. I'm very excited about seeing her again, I don't want to share much for now, but I think we have a good chance at becoming good friends. I wanted to get that out my chest, I'm so happy to have met her. Update 21:15 It was sooo good! We met again and talked for a while, she knows so many interesting things. She told me she appreciates how nice I've been with her, and later told me it's okay not to make eye contact, or try to act a certain way, I mean she was very nice about me being autistic. No one's ever been that nice to me before, I was about to cry. And like I said above, she also said we do have a good chance at becoming close. So yeah, I'm very happy! After we parted ways, I did break to tears in my car, but of happiness. We are planning to meet some other day, outside of the support group, so, let's see how that goes. I've been hugging my pillow so hard with a big smile on my face since I came back, and it seems she's also happy to have met me. Update 08/15 12:30 am I just got off a phone call with her! Yesterday, I randomly decided to ask her if she wanted to play a game together; I thought I would come off as annoying, but actually, she was very excited since she likes gaming a lot. I called her and we played Minecraft for some three hours. We played on Bedrock, and it really has changed a lot; after getting Java—legitimately—last year, I never looked back to Bedrock, I was very surprised you don't even need to set up a server, Xbox Live now allows you to invite friends to your world. We played with mods, which made it more interesting, though a little overwhelming at first. She started building a base, following her favorite design from past worlds. When my mom arrived home, she started asking me to do a lot of things, and I began feeling overwhelmed, so I told my friend that we should play later, though before disconnecting, I hid a cherry sign saying "You're cute :3" Since she kept playing, I told her I hid a sign for her, but a while had passed and she couldn't find it, so I told her where it was. We've been exchanging messages, saying how glad we are to have met, she says she really likes talking to me—I'm sooo happy!!! We played just now again, I got to talk to her again, we were supposed to wait until Friday, but we just couldn't wait any longer, lol. We played on another world, and while she was tending to her farm, she brought up my cherry sign; it made her happy, and although a little nervous, she called me cute! I felt shocked as I heard that, and immediately started crying, I was just so happy. We jumped onto the other world for a while and she had decorated the base so nicely, and got some gear for me. I saw on the Xbox app that she got the achievement for placing a sign during the day and immediately thought, "I have something to look for..." And yeah, she wrote me a message back. The gaming session tonight was very laggy, so we quit playing but kept talking; we might meet in person again soon! She makes me so happy, I really enjoy every minute I'm on call with her. I love how much she knows, even how she communicates, I mean, we get along quite well. Update 08/26 04:13 Oh my, the amount of things that have occurred in the last weeks, I’m sure I’ll get to write a proper update. I’ve gotten to know this person, we connect really well, I’ve been with her to the park several times, been on the phone for hours upon hours, we went to the mall, and to her place. Thinking there’s no way she could like me, I told her anyway what I felt, how much I like her, and… She’s my girlfriend now. We’re having a sleepover and I brought an air mattress, but didn’t need it since I slept with her on her bed. We kissed, it felt soooo good! I can’t even believe that all this is happening.Since this was a short post, I'll write about some updates for the blog. Maybe you have not noticed, but I improved the CSS theme, and now the blog looks cleaner. That annoying drop cap is gone, and the position of the rounded corners of the featured post adjust depending on the size of your screen. Next up, I'll publish a post on my story with computers. I know, it is very different compared to what I often write here, but it is a story I love telling, so, I'd love to write it down. Another addition will be an essays page, a small collection of essays I've wrote either for school or just for fun. Some include a petition to shift priorities from finding a cure for autism, to instead focus on society's acceptance and accommodation of our differences. Another focuses on the increase of hate speech on Twitter after Musk's takeover of the platform, yay, fun... And another one is entirely made to promote Derivakat's unique approach at making music live, with fans. Actually, about this last one, I wrote that Derivakat paper just before her rebranding, as the first Archive was dropping. I, just another one of her fans, am so so proud of her. Her music touches feelings that leave me smiling, crying, hoping. She keeps releasing amazing songs that are not just upbeat, but have such deep meanings, it's hard not to feel that happy-weepy feeling. Melody is a song that captures Kat's journey through songwriting so well, her music is truly awesome. Ever since I discovered Kat in 2021, she's been my favorite artist, and seeing her grow this much makes me very happy. Her last release, Archive #02: Desire has been accompanying me through my loneliness, and desire to be with someone. I wish I had someone to love, someone who loves me back—as I've recently come to realize, a girl. Anyway, that was quite the detour. Another addition will be an about me page, I plan to design little boxes with facts about me, something like the Wikipedia Userboxes. And I can guarantee you, one of them will say something along the lines of: "This user signifies an abrupt change in thought with an em dash (—)" I hate that em dashes have become a tell tale sign of text generated by AI. I use lots of them, and they come out of need for a slight pause, a little "out of the moment" in-line comment, that a comma simply cannot achieve. I will continue to use them for this reason, but please, just know it is me writing plainly, no LLM here. And, that's all for now. I really should go to bed, and this evening, I'll meet this cute person again, and hope we'll become close.

Trans Log

Trans Log

I named this blog Trans Log to use it as my personal diary regarding my gender transition. Since I wanted to release a public version of this 'diary' eventually, I never went into more personal details regarding my transition. Even more, as time went by I began writing about other topics; my mom and I moved to the US, and that was a whole process; I went back to school in person, I discovered I'm autistic, I began college, and lastly, I'm now converting to Judaism. It began to feel like the name had no meaning anymore, however, I recently realized that all of these topics are transitions, thus making the title acquire a whole new meaning. The process of moving to the US, intertwined with my legal name change, packing, saying goodbye, a new language, and culture shock; was all a massive transition, that I'm glad I documented. That first big post about moving encouraged me to write about other happenings in my life and record so I don't forget. Going back to school and discovering I'm autistic was a very important self-discovery journey where I learned how to take care of myself. Starting college, having to drive to school, meeting people, and getting overwhelmed with assignments has been a tough change. My conversion to Judaism can also be considered a transition, going from a gentile to a Jew, and it has been an exciting journey of learning and new meaningful experiences. So I still intend to publicly release this blog someday. I have improved my writing style and storytelling in my recent posts and I think it makes the reading interesting, but well, one day...

Fostering a Dog & Public Blog Idea

Fostering a Dog & Public Blog Idea

I have been planning on opening a public blog with this content. I think it would be nice to share my experience with others. I feel very lonely sometimes, and perhaps someone else is feeling the same way. And we’ve been fostering a dog! It’s cool to go outside to walk. I had never walked outside of my house just to walk and chill. I go from home to school to home. It’s terrifying, but it feels good. But I hate that she jumps on me. I don’t like being touched. I scream quite loud when she does it, it feels weird.