Showing Posts From

Transition

Three Years as a Trans Woman

Three Years as a Trans Woman

It’s been a while since I last wrote about trans stuff on the blog; things have been chill, transition-wise, but here are some things worth telling. So firstly, medications. Last December I was switched to injections of Fensolvi which substitutes the Spironolactone. My doctor suggested this would be a good choice because I am forgetful with my doses, and with the injection I would only need a dose every six months. Also, Spiro might have been making my POTS worse, combined with the psych meds, I literally was about to pass out every time I stood up. And I guess this is a good time to say that I’m off psych meds; there’ll be a post on that soon. I had my second dose of Fensolvi a couple weeks ago but POTS symptoms never went away. My doctor wouldn’t believe I exhibited those symptoms for other reason other than the Spiro—I’ve had this since I was 13. We discussed increasing my Estradiol dose because I have not noticed many changes lately, but my labs show that my body is responding well to the treatment, for example, my LH and FSH blood tests came back pretty low, which is good, there is almost no testosterone production. It’s a little hard to notice changes, especially at this point in my transition. I look like a woman and everybody seems to agree. If I had to say, my ass has gotten much bigger; I got a new dress for the beach and when I looked in the mirror, well… My titties too…they are so soft. I feel the psych meds fucked me up so much. They lifted me up from the terrible depression I was in, I stopped having psychosis other than paranoia, but I was left empty, emotionless. I used to say, “Someone could die in front of me and I wouldn’t even react.” Just lately I have noticed my emotions are coming back, I smile more, laugh. During the time I was on the meds I also put on some 10 kg, which I was kind of expecting but, now I have to work on that. And also, when masturbating, I can be shaking, moaning so hard, and finally feel like I came, but literally not a drop comes out, like nothing. It’s not so bad, I mean I still feel everything, but I could do it just fine before the meds. Socially, it’s been hard. I have attempted a couple times to go to trans support groups but something just doesn’t work with me. I always had great difficulty explaining this feeling of feeling like I don’t belong in such spaces. The best way I can put it is that people in those spaces are very expressive and loud. They like going to protests or to pride parades, and have very colorful hairstyles, whereas I prefer to stay in the background and live a quiet life. I still live loud and proud but perhaps not to that extent? I don’t think it’s a bad thing either, I’ve read about radical visibility and it’s such a cool way to express yourself without fear, but that’s just not me. ChatGPT says that it is a common experience, that I don’t have to “be loud, expressive, colorful, political, extroverted.” That I don’t have to “march in a pride parade or dye my hair rainbow. Living quietly, and peacefully is just as radical.” That’s what I said to myself when I began transitioning, that I would be this example of a trans person who was just like the others, that my identity doesn’t make me different, or less. People always see me as a girl, so I guess I pass well. Even on the phone, people call me miss—passing on the phone might be the ultimate goal. And the couple of times I’ve come out to people, they are usually shocked to know. It feels very nice, and fills me with euphoria. And about gender dysphoria, it comes and goes. Most of the time I feel cute and pretty; looking in the mirror only confirms that further, but on some days, I don’t feel as pretty. It’s not like I don’t feel like a woman or I feel like I look like a man, it’s just, I don’t feel as pretty. It usually goes away that same day, but yeah, it’s not so bad. ([Update Jun 13] I watched a video by Icky where she mentioned something similar to my experience with gender dysphoria. At this point in my transition, I don’t really experience dysphoria, I identify as and feel like a woman. She says it’s more like body dysmorphia, which does sound more like it, though I don’t experience it severely, or for long.) I am grateful I have never encountered a situation of transphobia, which can be rare, but I feel it’s important to highlight this small win. Clothing has been…okay, I guess. Buying clothes is difficult sometimes, because I’m with mom and she recommends something, like some tight leggings. As much as I would love to wear those, there would be an issue…with my girldick. We don’t have good communication, so try explaining that in a busy store. It overwhelms me too much and I end up buying nothing. But I do have some cute dresses for spring and summer, sweaters for the winter, etc. I find skirts and denim shorts are the most comfortable to wear because, I don’t even have to tuck, and I can rest assured nothing is visible. When wanting to work out, I only had leggings, so I would wear a pair of slightly undersized underwear which would hold everything together, but I was very nervous about things slipping out, but then I got some shorts, and even sports skirts, they are awesome. I have been to the beach several times, I went and got my first women’s swimwear, and I looked great. At first, I went with safety and chose one with a skirt and a bra. On another trip I got a bodysuit and wore a separate skirt. But on my most recent trip I just wore the bodysuit. I mean, it’s tight enough, and you legit couldn’t tell there’s something there. It was very nice not having to hide. Lastly, I want to put to words some thinking I’ve been having about my sexuality. Before I even discovered I was trans, I knew I was bi; I liked girls and also boys. Little by little, and as I discovered I was supposed to be a woman, my attraction towards men became bigger over women to the point that once I identified as trans, I knew I was a straight woman. For more than a year I went with that, until I read a book titled “The Quiet and the Loud” by Helena Fox. In this story, two girls suddenly kiss after growing closer. Reading that part made me feel something in my chest and stomach, it made me inexplicably happy, and felt like I wanted to do that with another girl. I mean, it’s a feeling I will never forget. I didn’t think much about it, and over the next months I kept coming back to that chapter, which triggered the exact same feeling. Some time later, I saw a video of a lesbian couple having a photoshoot, one of them sneakily got passed a ring and proposed to her girlfriend, they proceeded to kiss and hug, and it was so magical! Once again, I had the feeling of wanting to have a girlfriend and kiss. I feel my attraction towards women is growing bigger over men. I think of having a girlfriend, maybe a trans girlfriend and cuddling, kissing, giggling, it makes me feel so happy. I am very binary and high-fem, and someone like that would be such a perfect match. I have been thinking a lot more about having a trans girlfriend, there is something so special about t4t. We would understand each other, maybe be more comfortable with each other. I see us growing together, accompanying each other through our trans journey. There’s a person I like from school, she’s very bright, outgoing, and cute. I love hearing her talk—she can do it so easily. When she laughs, I feel overwhelmed with joy. I’ve worked with her on some design projects and helped her with a computer issue, but most of the time I feel scared of talking to her, even though I sit right next to her. I know she’s got a boyfriend, and she’s probably straight, so I know nothing might ever happen, but I can’t avoid feeling happy when she’s around. I told one of my friends about liking her, and she was surprised. She said, “But she has a boyfriend!” And I just wailed, “I knowww :c” She said that was a cute reaction. So yeah, I hope one day to find someone to love—and who loves me back. And to conclude, the future. About surgeries, I think I’m good. I love how my body looks, and although in the future my preference might change, for the time being, I’m happy with how I look. I know it’s annoying worrying about a bulge showing in my crotch, but honestly, it never really happens. I’m happy with my chest size, it’s managed to grow a lot in three years, I love touching them, feeling how soft they are, it’s great. And about my face, well, I did have that nose surgery, which was cosmetic, but combined a little correction and now I can breathe better. That procedure feminized my face so much; everyone always compliments my nose, but I credit the procedure and the following recovery period as one of the triggers for my depression. I don’t know if it makes sense, but since then, my mood began declining to what you all know happened. But yeah, I don’t regret doing it, but I would not do it again. The rest of my face is pretty feminine, I think, so yeah, I’m good for the moment. I know there are still a few years for me to reach the full development that comes with HRT but, I feel finished. I’ve felt comfortable in my body for a while, but changes keep coming that make everything even better, so I hope that continues. Update 7/1 So, I realized that I didn't go into much detail about what it was like coming out, getting new clothes, my social life, early HRT changes, name change; I mean, I have gone through so much, and I think it's worth telling. I put off coming out for about a year. Many times I promised myself I would come out to my mom by a certain date, only to end up sighing "one day..." I was 15, and every day, I watched my body transform into something I knew I wasn't. I put off coming out because I was afraid of how my family would react; I heard stories online and was scared of being abandoned, disowned. But eventually, I came to the realization that staying quiet also resulted in a negative outcome. I didn't think whether it was worse than a bad reaction, but it was negative either way. Staying quiet meant never finding out if I would be received positively or not, and thus, the most logical option was to come out, and I had to do it as soon as possible to hopefully get access to HRT and stop the unwanted changes to my body. And so I did, and trembling in fear before each family member, I was flooded with everyone's understanding and support; it is such a blessing to have your family's support like that. Short after coming out to my mom, I got my first girl clothes. It was awkward, to say the least. I was standing there, in my boy clothes, and my mom, rather regrettably, the processing of the change still pending, was suggesting what I should get. I got some gray leggings, a pink striped blouse, and a scratchy sports bra. Finding a bra that fit early on was really hard, I struggled with that up until, maybe two years in. No bra fit comfortably around my torso, and the only ones that did had a big cup size, but I hadn't even started HRT yet. Eventually, I found some spandex sports bras that had an almost flat, removable pad. I mean, they were basically plastic bags on your chest—not fun in the summer. In the weeks after starting HRT, I grew breast buds, and it was incredibly painful if they were touched. I'm a side sleeper, but for about a year, I had to sleep facing straight up because it hurt soo bad lying on my side. And of course, during that time, I couldn't do much with my nipples; it would just hurt a lot, but now, I mean, rubbing them sends me crazy, lol. So like I said, about two years in, those spandex bras became essentially binders, my chest had now grown, and those bras were not helping my look. I stumbled upon a Hanes bra that didn't follow the traditional sizes, I got a medium and it fit perfectly; it got around my chest and my boobs filled the cup just fine. And just recently, I switched to a less bulky type, with thinner straps, and they're great. I'm very thankful to have been able to start HRT at 16, and now my body is exactly what I feel it should be in my mind, I look great and I love it. Getting my name change and updated documents was relatively easy, though still a pain. Just months before coming out, name and gender change for trans people had become an expedited process in Mexico City, while before, you had to go to trial to have a chance at changing your identity. I sent the email with the required documents and went to the government office with my mom to pick up my updated birth certificate. They seal your past identity, which is great, but it makes you a newborn, basically. I had no records to my name, I mean, overnight, I lost my passport, school, and medical records, which now had to be amended individually. My mom helped me massively with this; she went to talk to the principal at my school, went to the education department offices over and over until finally, my previous records were updated. I got my passport after three attempts, just in time before moving to the US, and arriving here, my past self practically never existed. I continued HRT in the US, and for the first time, I took a selfie. I loved how my body was now changing in the correct direction. Here, my doctor was more concerned with how my body was reacting to the medication; she ordered lots of blood tests and even bone density tests. My hair grew longer, though I got it cut slightly shorter than shoulder-length because that's how I like it; though currently, I'm going to grow it out way more for the first time.

Lies

Lies

I was 15 years old when I learned about HRT as I was discovering I might be trans. I immediately knew I had to get it as fast as possible, I could not stand seeing my body transform into a gender I know I am not every day that goes by, I thought, hormonal treatment would put an end to that, it would even correctly shape my body, as a woman. HRT is most certainly a privilege; some states and even entire countries have banned it, and some people cannot have it for health concerns, not to mention how expensive it is. Thankfully, I had amazing support from my mom who helped me find a doctor who could oversee the treatment and write an Rx, my mom would buy me a box of both Estradiol and Spironolactone every month, and when we moved to the US, she bought me a stockpile to have while we found a doctor here. As time went by, I became the person I should have always been, both inside and out, I really cannot express how grateful I am! Everything went just fine having found a doctor who could oversee my treatment, just one street away from home. But if you have read my previous posts, you may know I began having a hard time, mentally. The usual routine visit with my doctor goes as follows: I get some labs done at least two weeks before my meeting; it’s always interesting to see how my testosterone is just dead on the ground, not even there, lol. During my visit, she begins by asking which changes I’ve noticed in me since we last met, it’s always hard for me to tell, I don’t know why, I just know I love the overall changes. I mention just a small aspect and we move on. She then asked me about pill compliance, to which I respond no doses missed. Next comes mood changes, self-harm thoughts, I deny. Some more questions, enough water? standing up frequently? I nod. Lastly, a quick physical examination and that’s it, return in six months. I don’t think I have ever told her the complete truth. Drinking enough water as a trans woman is very important, the meds we take can be very hazardous to the kidneys. Those meds can mess with arteries and cause blood clots, and spider veins therefore it is important to not sit for long periods. I experience frequent fainting, usually when getting up or stretching, which has led my mom to believe I might be anorexic or maybe it’s the HRT meds that are affecting me negatively. I however think I might be lacking in some vitamins and a proper diet since I’ve had these episodes long before HRT, my earliest memory 13 years old, 2018. Anyway, I shared this with my doctor who hurried to grab the blood pressure meter cuff and told me to lie down for a while and then stand up slowly.I have no explanation for my frequent fainting, it’s just so weird. Almost every time I get up, immediately my sight goes dark, like tunnel vision starting from the edges to the center until everything is black, can’t see anything, this lasts max five seconds. At this point I begin feeling very weak and need to rest on something, I feel an annoying pulsating sound in my head, like my heartbeat. Another five seconds, after which my sight is back, any weakness is gone, I regain balance and can move on like nothing ever happened. This can also be triggered somewhat on purpose, by stretching, I can usually feel it coming and thus know when to stop, sometimes out of curiosity I’ve tried not to stop, I lose consciousness entirely, just drop dead to the ground, no hands. This happened once, in 2018 in front of my entire family one Sunday, I stretched, overdid it, and fell. People said my eyes were gone, I was gone. Out of nowhere, I get up, like nothing happened, not dizzy, nothing, just annoyed everyone around was hogging me, trying to help, really. By that time I had become accustomed to it, just wait ten seconds and get over it, but I had never fully passed out. I usually can hear and reply to people, that time I felt unable to speak or move. My mom got really scared. Some time later we went to the doctor to discuss this issue and all I can remember is an oxygen meter and her pressing my fingernails really hard, telling me they didn’t recover their color quickly and that I needed more vitamins.Doctor told me to drink enough water and to be careful when standing up, to do it slowly. When I returned home I checked our visit log, every single response ever is there, I located the vitals of the little test she did, and scrolling further down she wrote that my heartbeat increases when changing position but not my blood pressure, however, what was written after was a little scary. She wrote she might consider lowering my Spironolactone dose but my testosterone might increase. To avoid this from happening I was determined to improve my water intake habits; I got myself a water tracker app and tried my best. It didn’t work, I am terrible at staying on top of my water needs, I don’t know why, not even with the app I could do it. During our next visit, I just told her the fainting had gone away somewhat. Notes say: “ She has been drinking plenty of water. No dizziness, no lightheadedness.” I feel very, very stupid, but that is not the only time I’ve lied to her. August 2023 was when my suicidal thoughts came back, the beginning of a very draining time. I had my meeting with her on the last day of the month. I denied the suicidal ideations question. As I turned sadder I began forgetting doses, just the evening dose, both doses, both doses two days in a row; I kept denying having missed doses. I feel very ashamed, and I feel the need to come clean about everything. Yesterday I began feeling tingling in my hands and feet at around 8 pm, at first I thought my position on the couch caused them to go numb, but then I stood up and moved around, and the feeling remained, it’s now 9 am, still feel it. I couldn’t fall asleep; out of nowhere I remembered I could purposefully trigger the full fainting by stretching, somehow I thought it would help me fall asleep faster if I just passed out. I stretched, multiple times, but it didn’t happen; nothing weird, I don’t blackout a hundred percent of the time. Staring at the ceiling I began detailing in my mind the two types of fainting, when standing up and when overstretching. Halfway through I had the brilliant idea to type out that list to ChatGPT and have it tell me what those symptoms amount to; it is such a GPT prompt, I have no idea how I never thought of it before. Anyway, it’s AI, not a doctor, so my research wouldn’t stop there. I read some articles from the NIH and the AI seems to be accurate. Anyway, I finally know what my near-fainting might be, Dysautonomia; I'm so happy to know after all this time. I definitely want to tell my doctor that I keep experiencing the fainting. I went back to my visit notes from August 2023, my mind was so focused on the thought of my Spironolactone dose being lowered and my Testosterone levels increasing back then that I glossed past the beginning of the bullet point: orthostatic symptoms. I really need help, I know I can’t get past my psychological problems on my own, perhaps my doctor could refer me somewhere, but I can only imagine what would happen if I told her everything. Because of the fainting, she might lower my doses, but because of the suicidal thoughts she might take my meds away altogether, and she’d probably have to call my mom and get her involved. But I think that’s the best thing for me right now, she’d be a third party who would explain to my mum who refuses to recognize the state I’m in. And about the meds, I don’t even take them because I forget, so what I’d lose—I know that’s not really how it works. Whatever happens, it will be significant, but it will really help me out. For now I’m glad to finally have something to call these weird episodes. I hope everything will be fine. Update 15:00 I decided to grab the blood pressure monitor and run one of the tests I had been reading about. It consists of laying down for at least five minutes, take BP. Stand up as normal, take BP after one minute standing, and again five minutes after. I found that my blood pressure increased, a lot. Reading format: Laying down / delta / after standing up / after 5 minSYS: 106 / +48 / 154 / 124DIA: 62 / +25 / 87 / 85BPM: 70 / +47 / 117 / 105POTS diagnosis +40 bpm (until 19, onset 14) / I got +47 My heart rate increased by 47 beats per minute after standing up, more than what's required for a POTS diagnosis. I've always thought my near-fainting was just a little more extreme case of what everyone experiences, nearly everyone can feel dizzy after standing up sometimes. Looking at the numbers, I mean, I realize how serious this is, and I just write it off as a little 15-second annoying moment. From lying down to slowly sitting on the edge of my bed to standing up my bpm went into a little tachycardia from 70 to 117! When I walk with my mom in the park my Apple Watch reports my bpm to be +30 that of hers, and we are walking at the same pace. I don't know, there's something significant going on, and I promise to tell my doctor about it, perhaps show her this post. Update Monday 5, 4:10 I have been reading about common symptoms of POTS such as intense fatigue, a lingering pain all over, nausea, and of course the near fainting, and loss of vision. And I experience all of this, and I never thought those symptoms could be related to my near fainting, I mean, even the fucking massive hiccups I get for like half an hour sometimes are related to dysautonomia, my hands getting red at times, and my need to lay down and not do anything from intense pain and tiredness, what my mom loves calling ’ laziness’ once every bloody hour. I don’t know how I could feel so much general pain and think is normal; it’s like being sore all over, limbs feel heavy, lots of tingling, and pretty much ignored it. My experience showering and washing dishes I detailed in my autism post, both activities are done standing, and I hate them, I always sit down to do things when I can. When my mom spots me sitting she goes “why are you sitting? You don’t do that sitting, you’re so lazy,” when ironing or putting clean laundry away, I guess my body recognizes how draining it is yet my brain doesn’t get the memo. Anyway, both activities leave me drained for a long while and all I want to do is lay down. So a couple of hours ago I had a little moment of optimism, just like I had when I began seeing my autism as my complement, traits that make me who I am; dedicated, curious, clever. I thought of dysautonomia as the key to my massive self-esteem and optimism. If you think of it, my sole existence is a challenge, painful sometimes, yet I prevail, because I push through things. Getting to my classroom involves lots of walking in the sun from my car, and so many times I’ve arrived nearly passing out, and when I enter the classroom, all sweaty, people start coming up to me to see my homework sketches; I happen to have made some fame from my sketching. But I wouldn’t be there with my amazing sketches if the night before I hadn’t pushed through my pain to get up and work. And this philosophy extends elsewhere, my drive to always deliver, most times more than I’m asked for. Like my trash can last winter; teacher wanted us to make a trash can model out of cardboard, he provided sketches, a 3D model and instructions on how to make the mechanism to make it functional, but allowed freedom to change the mechanism. I despised the way the design looked with such mechanism, I wanted a cleaner, modern look, it was a challenge, lots of planning, doing, redoing, but I did it, I didn’t give up, I committed and pushed through the challenges, which also included driving to school and back, walking to my car. It makes me so proud and reassured that despite my challenges I can still do it, I can get through this chronic pain even while setting myself an extra challenge; I feel I could do anything. So, ‘lazy,’ fuck that, I literally work out just by standing up.

Trans Discussion Group

Trans Discussion Group

I’ve missed writing so many things, I didn’t feel like writing over the semester. So, over at college, there is a discussion group every Thursday for trans students! I’ve been wanting to meet other trans people ever since I came out, I never really met or even saw another person like me. So, I went to the first meeting, but it was a bit awkward. I stumbled a lot while presenting myself and talking. I ended up just sitting there. I experience this frequently; it is called being situationally mute. In certain environments, I simply cannot talk, like in class, even if I know the answer to teachers’ questions, most of the time I go numb and can’t get a word out. I was way too nervous, even though they said there was no pressure for me to talk in the meetings. I went to another two meetings, and the same happened. It was nice to attend, but I ultimately realized that I was different from everyone there regarding the way I express my transness. I’ve always identified as highly feminine, and that has been my goal throughout my transition. So I put a lot of effort into making sure my skin is smooth and without hair, and I also police my voice a lot. Most of them identify somewhere outside the binary or have a gender expression in which they just don’t care to appease other people like doing the actions I described. And I get it, I’ve felt that way sometimes, but I find that I feel discomfort and dysphoria when I don’t do those things. So I stopped going as I didn’t feel comfortable.

ID Update Complete

ID Update Complete

So, I have been highly unmotivated to write here, mostly because of laziness. But well, I'm back and I will continue writing so I don't forget stuff. This is gonna be a long one... On January 24th I got my birth certificate, and at first, it felt awesome, I finally had the identity that was always meant to be, but that also means that my past identity is no longer valid. So overnight I lost all my school records, medical records, passport, and more. To change all those to the new name and gender, I need an updated passport. To update my passport I need a letter from school with the new identity and photo of me; school denied to give it to us with the new identity if I don't update high school records first, which I can't update without junior high school records, that I cannot update without a passport. So this was such a mess. I ended up worse than before, I could have kept my identity as it was and just had to cope with it, but that is such a horrible thing for a transgender person. Another reason why I need my passport is because my mother applied for a job in the USA, and after weeks of waiting, she got an offer. So we are moving! We attempted to update my passport on February 20th and got rejected because we didn't have the letter from school. When making the appointment we were asked to take it, but as I said, school denied it to us, so we didn't take it. We kinda expected they would reject us. We reattempted it on March 5th with a more appropriate appointment type, this one did not request the letter from school. We went to the appointment looking forward to it, we thought that was it, that last time they rejected us because we chose the wrong type of appointment. However, when we got there, they asked us for the school letter which we didn't have. They rejected us again. My mother burst to tears right then, she couldn't handle it anymore. And then she absolutely lost it. Me not being fond of it, we went to a popular place where they make fake documents, my mom requested a remake of the school letter with the wrong identity replaced with the new. Her reasoning was that people at the passport office were just going to look at the photo, then at me just to confirm that it was truly me and that's it. Thankfully, later that day when she had calmed down, she retracted. But we had left the letter with the document fakers, and had to get it back. The next Monday we went to get it and the fake letter, even though we were not planning to use it anymore. The guys made us wait at their workshop for about 20 minutes. Some other people went into the workshop and suddenly they started to beat each other up. We were really scared. We left without collecting anything. My mom asked the school if they could give us the letter however they want to make it, but if they could just add a footer stating my new name and if they could use an updated photo. Amazingly, they did. So we attempted to get my passport for the third time. This time they accepted us. They told us they would call us in 7 to 10 days when my passport is ready. They just called earlier telling us it's ready. It was such a relief to hear that. Now we can go to America together instead of a year apart as we imagined. My primary school certificate is done and corrected, and the high school one is coming down the line. Last two months were filled with a lot of frustration and stress, seems to be over for now. Now we'll need to focus on the moving. And that was it. That was long.

Coming Out

Coming Out

On February 25th, 2021 I turned 16. And it was around this time that I started feeling very uncomfortable about being a girl trying to act like a boy. My family frequently complimented me about my deep voice, my broadening shoulders, and my facial hair starting to appear. I felt terrible and decided I needed to say something; I set myself the goal of coming out to my mother by the end of March, the trans day of visibility. Unfortunately, I was so afraid of what my mom would say that I decided not to tell her in person, I would tell her in a letter instead. The month went by and I simply couldn’t do it, I didn’t have the courage and was too scared. I had no idea what was her opinion of LGBT people, so I didn’t know what to expect. Months later on September 1st, 2021, I decided what I wanted my name to be, Naoko, a Japanese name that means “well-behaved, straight.” At this point I had kept the letter in my room without being able to hand it to my mom until finally, on September 12th I left it next to my mother’s desk. It took her three days to discover the letter and read it during which, I couldn't handle the anxiety. On the 15th, I peered at her desk to see that the letter had disappeared, and then it dawned on me, this is it, it's happening. I walked into the kitchen, terrified, my mom turned around and told me that my letter was very special, we hugged while my mom told me she loved me and would always support me. I began crying out of joy and couldn't stop smiling! We had lunch before going to my mom's room to talk some more. She asked me if I've felt I should be a girl for a long time, the conversation felt a little uncomfortable specially when my mom started talking AIDS. The next day she seemed mad at me, or at least that’s how I perceived it; I felt terrified she wasn’t taking this good. Days later she told me that the most difficult part for her was to stop seeing the boy she’s seen grow and suddenly having to see a girl she has to call daughter. This made me understand what she’s going through, I know it’s difficult. When my mom was finally feeling better about this change she helped me come out to the rest of my family, without me to shield me from a negative reaction. She left for my godparents’ house, I was very nervous. Two hours later she messaged me to go downstairs as we would all go eat somewhere. Quietly. I got in the car with everyone and after a while my godmother asked me why I was so quiet in the Spanish feminine way. I looked up amazed and happy that everything had gone well. Telling my grandma, uncles and cousins came later, this time I was there. Thankfully, everyone had a positive reaction, even those who I feared would not accept me. But it would take time for them to get accustomed to using the right pronouns, including my mom who wouldn’t put that much of an effort and frequently referred to me as he.