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Autism

Mom Won't Understand

Mom Won't Understand

Ever since I learned I’m autistic, I have made efforts to improve my experiences. These efforts included buying a pair of earplugs—they work great! The thing about sensory overstimulation is that it degrades your mood over time. I would get through the day before buying the earplugs, but I would feel incredibly tired and irritated afterward, with no explanation as to why. Now I know that being in a noisy environment causes this reaction, and now I avoid such environments to prevent feeling down after. It works great, I feel like I have more energy. It’s like avoiding feeling overwhelmed and sad before so that afterward, I can feel happy and energetic. (Ok, I wrote the above in November last year and didn’t finish it. Long story short, The last months of last semester were absolutely terrible.) I don’t know what the problem is with my mom and my autism. For a very long time, I thought she wouldn’t accept it outright, even though I’m formally diagnosed. Then I think she finally accepted that I am autistic but would express disgust when I wore my earplugs or my glasses. She very frequently asked me to take my headphones off when washing the dishes, a very noisy activity. I would decline and she would get very upset. She would say things like: “Why are you acting this way now?” I told her before that she might have that sort of reaction as I unmask and learn to take care of myself. As usual, those comments would be followed by insults like stupid or retarded. That denial, the insults, isolation at school, and a new environment drove my mood to absolute bottom. It was terrible, and yes, I’m thankful to say that I am finally escaping—I will explain in the next post. Every clash with my mom triggered long-dormant self-harm thoughts. The first of these was when driving my car home from the dealership. My mom was giving me advice, I was nervous and everything felt louder. I told her to lower her voice but she wouldn’t do it because she was not talking loudly according to her. I told her again to lower her voice, but this time she got mad. On purpose she started shouting at me, she said: “that is not loud, THIS IS LOUD!” That caused me a meltdown. I began to cry, and scream “shut up!” repeatedly, I began banging the steering wheel. And then it happened, just as I had merged into the interstate at the far-left I had a sudden flash showing a simple motion of the steering wheel which could end it all. I calmed myself down by breathing and didn’t act upon that thought, I am still here. That happened in August and slowly through December, the frequency of those thoughts increased.

Diagnosed

Diagnosed

Well. It was challenging to find someone that diagnosed autism in adults. After telling my mom about my autism, she didn't believe me. She said things like "You're stupid," and "You're crazy." Eventually, she agreed to help me find a diagnostician. She was calling around but no one was answering the phone, and those who did said they don't treat adults. She said that someone recommended her to check out AANE. She called me and told me what she had been doing. I was very happy, I thought she finally understood and abandoned her wrong perception of autism. Later that day she joined a meeting from a mother's support group. After it ended she called me back and she was talking in a different tone. She said, "I told you you are not autistic, you have no idea what those mothers go through every day, you are nothing like their children." I was pretty sad after that, I thought she had come to understand me, but she didn't. Autism is a spectrum disorder, some autistic people have higher support needs than others. It is a series of values, skills, and traits that go up and down for each individual, therefore, no autistic person is the same. My mom might believe that I have nothing in common with them, but I can see it. She seemed to be very fixated on the fact that those kids couldn't tie their shoelaces, or go to the bathroom. Now, I don't know much about the latter, but I remember it took me a very long time to learn to tie my shoes, way more than my peers, if that matters. But it's not just that, now that I'm more knowledgeable in autism, looking back, I can see hints of it. It has always been difficult for me to make eye contact. And as a child, I didn't altogether. It wasn't until a school counselor in 2016 pointed it out to my mom as "something to note." She told me about it and since that day I've forced myself to make eye contact, even if it's just for less than ten seconds. But anyway. We finally found a provider who specializes in late-diagnosed autistic people. The whole process was very stressful, I didn't know how things were going to turn out. The diagnostician asked me things about my childhood, and I said the things I described above and in other blog posts. And then she asked me to fill out very lengthy questionnaires. Later that day I received my diagnosis letter. I'm autistic. I felt happy and relieved. This difference I identified as autism months ago was finally confirmed. I say relieved because now I know that there is nothing wrong with me, or that I don't know how to do things, or that it could be something else. I have been following the advice of autistic people in regards to sensory overload and unmasking for a few weeks now and it has really helped me. I know that I could do those things and more without a diagnosis, but what I really wanted from a formal diagnosis was my mom's acceptance. She said multiple times I couldn't possibly be autistic and that I couldn't self-identify or self-assess as such. That is why I wanted an official diagnosis. In it, my differences and difficulties are explained, and which ones are significant that should be looked after. But she still refuses to believe that I'm autistic. I don't know if she is still going through a denial phase, and I don't know if it will go away. I want to be able to unmask and be myself without being ostracized by her. But well, now I have a better understanding of myself, and I will be working to minimize burnout, manage my emotions better, and live as a happy autistic person.

Extraordinary

Extraordinary

My mom has been into pronunciation Shorts lately. I was studying Korean and she suddenly said, ”I have a challenge for you.” The challenge was to guess the country of the flag on the screen and pronounce it properly. I got them all. Panama. Qatar. Hungary. Cameroon. Then she found another one but for guessing the capital with the flag. Ottawa. Nairobi. Stockholm. When the creator said Stockholm exactly like I did my mom just said, “Oh my god, you’re—you’re amazing.” Even though I’ve told her about my autistic traits, she still maintains that there’s no way I’m autistic. My guess is that it is hard for a neurotypical person to understand the traits that are considered autistic, and that changing the weaknesses is not as easy as “learning to be social,” or just “stop moving my hands, head, and whole body.” I’ve been listening to the melody ”Overture” from the show Extraordinary Attorney Woo. With it as background, the show begins by showing many yellow rubber ducks and a blue duck between them. I’ve always felt like that blue duck. The feeling was shared between not feeling comfortable in my gender and not fitting in socially. It was always clear to me that I was not a normal child, and everyone said that to me. I didn’t play how everyone did; I didn’t at all. I was not interested in things they liked. I have always loved learning. Always wanting to learn how to do things. The other day we were walking the dog and my mom said that she doesn’t think I’m autistic because I have had friends. And I thought about it and here’s my reasoning: Yes, I’ve had some friends in the past because others have noticed me struggling to talk, and have been kind enough to approach me and eventually embrace me. Without them, past years would have been like this senior year, lonely. Because I wouldn’t speak to anyone if I didn’t need to. But I was able to see that they were nice people that wanted to help. This last year, there was no way for anyone to know that I was new to the school. I was never introduced to anyone. I didn’t introduce myself to anyone. No one introduced themselves to me. No one even knew I was a senior in any of my classes; I only share one class out of twelve with seniors. I didn’t need to talk to anyone, so I just didn’t. I made my way around the school, mapped out where my classrooms were, and scored the highest grades ever; not that they were ever bad. During recesses, I learned things on my phone. Read through articles, news, played GeoGuessr, answered flag trivia, learned languages, so many things. That is my superpower, the eagerness to learn. That enables me to know and do a wide variety of things. From learning about nuclear energy and disasters, to the North Korean regime, flags, capitals, places on the map, Japanese, Korean, anti-trans legislation, how to fix electronics, how to read a music sheet, play piano, sewing, Java, HTML, Adobe, Product Design. It is all truly beautiful to me. Being able to do lots of things is very rewarding. It makes me very happy and proud when I learn something and I actually help others with it. Like, I’ve brought the electricity back up from a burnt fuse, jump-started a car, fixed clothes, fixed dead computers, put furniture together when no one else in the room would know how to do it or would give up. However, it comes with a detriment, I can do so many things somewhat averagely, but not a single one extremely well. In other words, I see how people succeed in something specific when in my case, I don’t have anything to show for my abilities. It’s weird, but I wouldn’t give it up. And I’ve taken the first step to change it. I’ve chosen my career, Product Design. It embodies many of the abilities I mentioned above. It will allow me to make a positive change in people’s lives. And hopefully land my dream job, work at Apple. So, yes. Being autistic is extraordinary. Knowing so many things has helped me, and I’m sure it will help me a lot. It, however, comes with difficulties that I must at least ameliorate. Even though it’s hard for me to talk to people, I need to do it. The first part of the song from the show reminds me of how sad it can be to be different and not fit in. The middle part reminds me of the discovery of your strengths. The ending is to me the amazing it all really is. Our world is different, full of amazement and discovery, and hopefully one day, someone will want to take a peek and be part of it with me.

Regret

Regret

Well, it didn’t go well. I made a letter with what I wrote in the last post. I sent it to her, but she didn’t see it. So I erased the messages and waited. Yesterday I went down to walk the dog, and I sent her the letter from there. It definitely wasn’t the best moment, but I needed to tell her. When I went back, my mum was upset, she told me to go to her room. And so I did. She told me what I thought would happen. She said that I was just looking for whatever as an excuse, that I thought about it because someone had pushed the idea into me. She said something about winning the lottery with me, I think she referred to my gender dysphoria and now autism. I started crying and told her I didn’t want to talk anymore. I went to my room and kept crying. Today in the morning she seemed to have calmed down, but she was still mad. Later in the car, she started talking to me by saying that she didn’t want me serious all the time because of what happened last night. She then started saying that she didn’t think it was right for me to self-diagnose as autistic. I only said in the letter that I had taken some screening tests. But I do consider myself autistic, suspected, I mean, exactly that, self-diagnosed. I still need a formal assessment, one that I do want, but that many autistic people decide not to get, and live just like that, self-diagnosed because they can improve their lives simply by knowing they might be autistic. But anyway, my mom started talking about her also not being able to talk to people. She then went on for five minutes almost shouting about someone lower rank that her getting a salary increase, because he had friends and talked to people more. I told her I didn’t want to talk anymore, but she didn’t want to. We had an argument. I ended up getting out of the car before reaching school as she shouted at me the usual threat of: things are gonna change from now on (negatively.) And well, now I don’t know what to do. We need to talk, but it just doesn’t work. She either gets mad or I don’t feel comfortable. Let's see what happens…

Tell Mom

Tell Mom

“Okay, so, I played yesterday’s movie because I feel that I’m different, and I wanted to see your reaction. I feel I might be autistic. Autism is a spectrum of traits that vary per person, not just varying degrees of ability. I have answered many screening tests, and the results suggest to seek help from a doctor. I am very thankful that what I may have is something called high-functioning autism, not as intense like the movie. This might be the reason why I don’t have any friends. Why I don’t want to talk to anyone. Why whenever I go to school or outside I get nervous. And why I’m shy, even around you. But it is also why I get interested, and like learning so many things, like science, languages, robotics, art, and music. Why I am good with orientation and attention to detail. Why I hear and smell things others can’t, like the gas smell, and distant noises. Why I can come up with weird, but good solutions for problems. I didn’t want to believe the results at first, because I thought I could force myself to talk to people and stop being so shy. But I can’t. I feel my heartbeat race very fast when I’m answering a question at school, the only reason why I talk there. But the more tests I answered, I became more convinced that there is indeed something wrong with me. Not very intense. But different from the rest. Now that I know why I’m different, I can do things to help myself and get help from a professional. Can we talk a little more about this? It might be a little hard for me though.”

Autism

Autism

I think this is going to be a long one. Okay, so, a few weeks ago I watched a video by one of my favorite science creators, Kyle Hill. In it, he said he's autistic, he explained his pre-diagnosis situation. I started counting with my fingers the similar traits I spotted in me. I eventually ran out of fingers. I counted a total of twelve things, like social isolation, anxiety, noise sensitivity, obsession with a certain topic (hence, why I watch him,) and fascination with dates and facts. Up until watching that video, I had a wrong perception of autism. I thought it was a very limiting disability. But I had known Kyle for some time, and I could see that this clearly wasn’t the case. I let the video finish, and that was it. But now those 12 traits were clearly in my mind, and with a possible explanation as to why I have them. I went online looking for screening tests. I answered one, after another, and another. When seeing the results, many returned a high possibility of ASD.Aspie: Broader autism cluster and neurotypical traits. AQ: 43 | Threshold: 26 | Max: 50 ASSQ: 49 | Threshold: 13 | Max: 54 RBQ-2A: 42 | Threshold: 26 | Max: 60 EQ: 23 | Threshold: <30 | Min: 0 AQ-10: 8 | Threshold: 6 | Max: 10 CAT-Q: Total: 129 | Threshold: 100 | Autism Average: 126 Compensation: 46 | Average: 42 Masking: 36 | Average: 38 Assimilation: 47 | Average: 45RAADS-R: Total: 170 | Threshold: 65 | Suspected Autistic Females Average: 145 Language: 16 | Threshold: 4 | Average: 11 Social Relatedness: 76 | Threshold: 31 | Average: 67 Sensory/Motor: 46 | Threshold: 16 | Average: 39 Circumscribed Interests: 32 | Threshold: 15 | Average: 28LSAS: 109 - Severe social anxiety | >95Yeah. I know this is not an actual assessment, but well, there it is. I think that if I wasn’t autistic, I would not be where I am right now. It has given me those superpowers that allow me to get interested in many particular things. So I think it’s made me always eager to learn. It allows me to focus on something that I really want, or need to do. It allows me to perceive tiny noises, patterns, and details, that no one seems to care about. However, it also means that I struggle a lot in social situations, I isolate myself, and I’d rather not meet, or talk to anyone if I had the chance. I currently don’t have any friends, and even though I feel impulses to come up to someone or help them with something, I never do. My mom and family frequently tell me that I don’t express much care for them, even when I feel I do. I am still discovering traits now that I know that my world is indeed different from everyone else’s. But being autistic has certainly helped me, and I wouldn’t want to be any different. Now I know why I act so awkwardly, and so I feel I can take action to help ameliorate it. I’ve also learned about masking. I do try to mimic what other people do, from how they dress to how they walk, and things they say. But I feel it just makes me look clumsier. I learned of the negative effects masking can cause. So I’m trying to just be me, like gender-transition-apart me. I notice that my heartbeat is not as fast, and I feel happier. I don’t quite know how to tell my mom though. I know she has that wrong perception of autism. And I’m afraid she will not take me seriously. This feels really similar to when I came out to her as trans. I’ve thought about paying for a diagnostic assessment by myself and then tell her when I have the results. Also to know if I’m indeed autistic, or if I have other conditions. But I really need to tell her. Yesterday she got mad at me and shouted “how hard can it be to wash the dishes!” I just stayed quiet and didn’t talk to her until later. I wanted to tell her that it may not be difficult for her, but for me it is! I, for some reason, need to organize all the dishes in the sink before starting, and I scrub each a lot (she relentlessly doesn’t want to use the dishwasher.) Then I feel the urge to line them up on the drying mat. Pans on the back, glasses to the left, plates to the right, cutlery at the bottom. Then I dry them by hand and the same, I order them on the counter to later put them away. I take over an hour doing it every day. It’s exhausting, takes so long, and I don’t feel like doing anything after. It’s so weird, but I cannot avoid it, my brain just works that way. I want her to understand why I behave that way. I want to have a relationship with my mum that’s not based on weird noises that I make, and short phrases of something serious I feel like sharing, and not spill my guts out explaining the YouTube video I watched the night before. But I’m thinking it will be difficult. And well, it’s hard for me to imagine what will come in the long term, I guess work towards demonstrating my worth. I certainly have to put a lot of effort into that, but it is reassuring that I’m actually succeeding. A couple minutes ago, I handed in my last English assignment, my teacher told me I was the first to finish every assignment for the first and second semesters, in a class size of 500. I am very proud of that!