Jewish Life Learning

Jewish Life Learning

I have learned so many things!! I’m very surprised by how much dedication I put into this, I just love it! I’m writing this post on Shevat 14th, tomorrow is Tu B’Shevat—my first Jewish holiday! I made a donation to have some trees planted, as is customary for this holiday. Those trees will turn two years old tomorrow as Tu B’Shevat marks the New Year for Trees! Also, the upcoming Shabbat is a special one, it is called Shabbat Shirah, which aligns with the weekly Parasha: Beschalach. This portion contains the parting of the Red Sea, where the Israelites passed through. Shabbat services are accompanied by the singing of the Song of the Sea to express gratitude. I have not been able to attend a Shabbat service yet, however, this week I have decided to attend online, although I would love to attend in-person. I’m very excited about it, I think it will be a very nice experience, which will actually be my first Shabbat service! In my personal Torah study, I’ve actually caught up to this week’s Parasha. Just yesterday I finished Bo. I’ve been reading in English though, and I understand it is not quite the same; Hebrew has some semantics that just don’t translate well. However, my Hebrew learning has been going great! By now I recognize all the letters in the alefbet and I can read pointed text at a moderate pace. And I can also write words I hear without the Nikkud. But I still have to learn some more. I feel very proud of my progress, and I’m deeply thankful for the effect this journey is having on me. Just a month ago I couldn’t bring myself to do things I really like, like drawing. Now, I’m smiling again, I’m not having intrusive thoughts anymore, and I can pick up my pencil and sketch away; I feel much much better now.

Trans Discussion Group

Trans Discussion Group

I’ve missed writing so many things, I didn’t feel like writing over the semester. So, over at college, there is a discussion group every Thursday for trans students! I’ve been wanting to meet other trans people ever since I came out, I never really met or even saw another person like me. So, I went to the first meeting, but it was a bit awkward. I stumbled a lot while presenting myself and talking. I ended up just sitting there. I experience this frequently; it is called being situationally mute. In certain environments, I simply cannot talk, like in class, even if I know the answer to teachers’ questions, most of the time I go numb and can’t get a word out. I was way too nervous, even though they said there was no pressure for me to talk in the meetings. I went to another two meetings, and the same happened. It was nice to attend, but I ultimately realized that I was different from everyone there regarding the way I express my transness. I’ve always identified as highly feminine, and that has been my goal throughout my transition. So I put a lot of effort into making sure my skin is smooth and without hair, and I also police my voice a lot. Most of them identify somewhere outside the binary or have a gender expression in which they just don’t care to appease other people like doing the actions I described. And I get it, I’ve felt that way sometimes, but I find that I feel discomfort and dysphoria when I don’t do those things. So I stopped going as I didn’t feel comfortable.

Judaism

Judaism

So this one is unusual, but hopeful, and happy. So during my depression time, December (Kislev), I began seeing this nine-branched candelabra everywhere, and wondered what it meant, though I knew it was a Jewish thing and related to Chanukah. Wednesday of the second week, before my Anatomy Sketching test I heard someone refer to it as a Menorah, though I actually didn’t understand the exact word. So I went on Wikipedia to the Chanukah page and there I learned about Menorahs and later Chanukah, I read both pages entirely in hyperfocus before my teacher arrived. But I didn’t go any further into more research. I also came to realize that many people around me were Jewish, I remember we didn’t have class on Rosh Hashanah earlier in the year. One of my favorite childhood books is “When Hitler Stole the Pink Rabbit” which is about a Jewish family escaping to the UK. And I have also been very interested in the war between Israel and Hamas. And I became more interested to learn more about Judaism and Jews. Later when I was in Mexico, on New Year’s Eve I had some kind of impulse which I can only describe as coming out of nowhere. I went to the Judaism article on Wikipedia and read it. In a citation, I saw a website called JewFAQ so I went on it too. And then I had the most intense hyperfocus session in a long time; I lost track of time and spent hours reading and learning about Jewish life. I learned about the Tanakh, Divided into the Torah, Nevi’im, and Ketuvim. I learned about Halakhah and the 613 Mitzvot, about Kashrut and Kosher/treif foods, the holidays, Shabbat, the calendar, and even Hebrew. I also began reading the Torah. I really don’t know from where all this motivation to learn comes from while I couldn’t even enjoy things like flag trivia or playing Geoguessr, things that would make me very happy before. And so, the way that I see it is that G-d, through my autisticness is driving me away from bad feelings. And yes, my self-harm thoughts have stopped, and I feel much better now. And I say through my autism because G-d made me that way, and it of course was no mistake. And it is my autism and hyperfocus and hyperfixation that have distracted me from negative feelings. And I am very thankful for that. Also, within Judaism, or at least certain branches, I am accepted as a trans woman. I even found a Tefillat with Brachot for trans people, it includes blessings for when you feel gender euphoria of dysphoria, for when making a trans friend, and even for before taking your estrogen, the last of which I have been reciting for the last three days. No one ever told me that religion could be inclusive of people like me, trans. Jewish people are very inclusive and accepting of someone like me who is trans. And the community is very tight-knit and wholesome! I am feeling a lot better now, I log my daily mood on my phone and there is clearly a difference now. I feel very thankful for having found a new connection with G-d. And so I want to convert to Judaism. I feel a push from within, as if I had found home after a long time. Where I live there are many Synagogues and Temples; I’m going to visit some of them to see which one I feel more comfortable in. At first I was thinking about Reform, but services are wildly different from what I have learned, so I think Conservative might be a good fit. There is a Jewish Center nearby, which is conservative, and the building is beautiful. They offer Hebrew classes and Torah Study classes too. So to start the process I need to talk to the Rabbi there about conversion and see if they would be interested in guiding me. A very cool thing that happened after reciting the Bracha for estrogen is that the next day, I was lying on my bed with my arm resting on my chest. I suddenly moved it and felt my left boob being a bigger size than usual. This happens every now and then. Even though I look at my body every single day, the changes are not noticeable right away, the realization just hits me like a truck one day. And it feels awesome, full of gender euphoria. Old me might have not thought much of it. But now with my newly acquired knowledge, I feel very thankful that I am able to transition. G-d helps me with that, and reciting the blessing the day before was my first time thanking for the blessing that is being able to change your body to bring me happiness. So after feeling euphoria, I then recited the other Bracha, for when you feel gender euphoria. Since I am still learning Hebrew, reciting blessings has felt like reading something with no meaning, although clearly, that is not the case. But this time, I felt a connection, I felt listened. And I began to cry, but now out of happiness. Learning about Judaism has brought me so much happiness with this inexplicable motivation, so for now, I will keep learning as much as I can.

Depression

Depression

I felt at my worst two weeks before the end of my first semester of college, I cried out of nowhere, waking up was harder than usual, and I didn’t feel any motivation to do the things I love the most. Those last two weeks were final projects submissions and my performance was impacted. I handed a couple of works late, which made me feel terrible since I had not done such a thing for a long time. For my design projects I couldn’t find motivation, I spent hours trying to draw my iron design a certain way and couldn’t work it out. I had to move forward with a shape I didn’t like if I wanted to finish. I had to pull many all-nighters but failed to stay up sometimes, which led to late submissions. I didn’t sleep from Monday to Tuesday of the second week, and somehow I felt energetic all throughout, which is unusual. By the end of the day, just as I got in the elevator I nearly collapsed, like the phantom energy that I had was suddenly taken away. It was extremely draining and unhealthy. It’s just that I am a very happy and cheerful person, but I couldn’t do anything! It sounds dumb and feels dumb, but I didn’t have the energy or motivation to do anything. I missed my design project deadline and the submission was locked on Canvas. I felt devastated, I quickly wrote an email to my teacher asking for more time, mentioning that I was having mental health difficulties. Thankfully, he extended my deadline for Friday. I worked very hard and at my fastest, and the quality actually was very good but I felt I could do better. I finished scanning my work at 1:59 and couldn’t rename the file name so I could submit it before 2pm. Since we are supposed to rename files I felt terrible because I didn’t do it. I think that is an autistic thing, feeling terrible after breaking a rule. I also had been working on a cardboard trashcan project and as usual, I decided to go above and beyond with it. I made it extremely complicated for myself, but the result was a very clean look. At least up until things began to not go as planned. I had to replace some elements very quickly, and couldn’t put much dedication on them, so in the end I didn’t like how the trash can looked, even though everyone, including teacher told me that my trash can looked so clean and nice. I did feel a bit of happiness among all of this when I showed my teacher the trash can before all the changes. A senior joined in, and everyone was very surprised. My teacher laughed out of surprise and awe and congratulated me for the cleanliness of the trash can. After the senior said the same, my teacher said: “yeah, she makes the cleanest models.” I felt very proud and happy, even though it quickly wore off. At the end, my trash can earned full marks, along with my final writing project which I handed in late. But that was not enough to make me feel better. The semester ended and I could finally rest for a while, but not much because my mom and I were going to travel to Mexico, stay for New Year’s, and later a big birthday party for my grandma. I felt extremely drained, and depressed, and didn’t want to go and submit myself to that sensory nightmare.

Mom Won't Understand

Mom Won't Understand

Ever since I learned I’m autistic, I have made efforts to improve my experiences. These efforts included buying a pair of earplugs—they work great! The thing about sensory overstimulation is that it degrades your mood over time. I would get through the day before buying the earplugs, but I would feel incredibly tired and irritated afterward, with no explanation as to why. Now I know that being in a noisy environment causes this reaction, and now I avoid such environments to prevent feeling down after. It works great, I feel like I have more energy. It’s like avoiding feeling overwhelmed and sad before so that afterward, I can feel happy and energetic. (Ok, I wrote the above in November last year and didn’t finish it. Long story short, The last months of last semester were absolutely terrible.) I don’t know what the problem is with my mom and my autism. For a very long time, I thought she wouldn’t accept it outright, even though I’m formally diagnosed. Then I think she finally accepted that I am autistic but would express disgust when I wore my earplugs or my glasses. She very frequently asked me to take my headphones off when washing the dishes, a very noisy activity. I would decline and she would get very upset. She would say things like: “Why are you acting this way now?” I told her before that she might have that sort of reaction as I unmask and learn to take care of myself. As usual, those comments would be followed by insults like stupid or retarded. That denial, the insults, isolation at school, and a new environment drove my mood to absolute bottom. It was terrible, and yes, I’m thankful to say that I am finally escaping—I will explain in the next post. Every clash with my mom triggered long-dormant self-harm thoughts. The first of these was when driving my car home from the dealership. My mom was giving me advice, I was nervous and everything felt louder. I told her to lower her voice but she wouldn’t do it because she was not talking loudly according to her. I told her again to lower her voice, but this time she got mad. On purpose she started shouting at me, she said: “that is not loud, THIS IS LOUD!” That caused me a meltdown. I began to cry, and scream “shut up!” repeatedly, I began banging the steering wheel. And then it happened, just as I had merged into the interstate at the far-left I had a sudden flash showing a simple motion of the steering wheel which could end it all. I calmed myself down by breathing and didn’t act upon that thought, I am still here. That happened in August and slowly through December, the frequency of those thoughts increased.