- 26 May, 2023
Autism
I think this is going to be a long one. Okay, so, a few weeks ago I watched a video by one of my favorite science creators, Kyle Hill. In it, he said he's autistic, he explained his pre-diagnosis situation. I started counting with my fingers the similar traits I spotted in me. I eventually ran out of fingers. I counted a total of twelve things, like social isolation, anxiety, noise sensitivity, obsession with a certain topic (hence, why I watch him,) and fascination with dates and facts. Up until watching that video, I had a wrong perception of autism. I thought it was a very limiting disability. But I had known Kyle for some time, and I could see that this clearly wasn’t the case. I let the video finish, and that was it. But now those 12 traits were clearly in my mind, and with a possible explanation as to why I have them. I went online looking for screening tests. I answered one, after another, and another. When seeing the results, many returned a high possibility of ASD.Aspie: Broader autism cluster and neurotypical traits. AQ: 43 | Threshold: 26 | Max: 50 ASSQ: 49 | Threshold: 13 | Max: 54 RBQ-2A: 42 | Threshold: 26 | Max: 60 EQ: 23 | Threshold: <30 | Min: 0 AQ-10: 8 | Threshold: 6 | Max: 10 CAT-Q: Total: 129 | Threshold: 100 | Autism Average: 126 Compensation: 46 | Average: 42 Masking: 36 | Average: 38 Assimilation: 47 | Average: 45RAADS-R: Total: 170 | Threshold: 65 | Suspected Autistic Females Average: 145 Language: 16 | Threshold: 4 | Average: 11 Social Relatedness: 76 | Threshold: 31 | Average: 67 Sensory/Motor: 46 | Threshold: 16 | Average: 39 Circumscribed Interests: 32 | Threshold: 15 | Average: 28LSAS: 109 - Severe social anxiety | >95Yeah. I know this is not an actual assessment, but well, there it is. I think that if I wasn’t autistic, I would not be where I am right now. It has given me those superpowers that allow me to get interested in many particular things. So I think it’s made me always eager to learn. It allows me to focus on something that I really want, or need to do. It allows me to perceive tiny noises, patterns, and details, that no one seems to care about. However, it also means that I struggle a lot in social situations, I isolate myself, and I’d rather not meet, or talk to anyone if I had the chance. I currently don’t have any friends, and even though I feel impulses to come up to someone or help them with something, I never do. My mom and family frequently tell me that I don’t express much care for them, even when I feel I do. I am still discovering traits now that I know that my world is indeed different from everyone else’s. But being autistic has certainly helped me, and I wouldn’t want to be any different. Now I know why I act so awkwardly, and so I feel I can take action to help ameliorate it. I’ve also learned about masking. I do try to mimic what other people do, from how they dress to how they walk, and things they say. But I feel it just makes me look clumsier. I learned of the negative effects masking can cause. So I’m trying to just be me, like gender-transition-apart me. I notice that my heartbeat is not as fast, and I feel happier. I don’t quite know how to tell my mom though. I know she has that wrong perception of autism. And I’m afraid she will not take me seriously. This feels really similar to when I came out to her as trans. I’ve thought about paying for a diagnostic assessment by myself and then tell her when I have the results. Also to know if I’m indeed autistic, or if I have other conditions. But I really need to tell her. Yesterday she got mad at me and shouted “how hard can it be to wash the dishes!” I just stayed quiet and didn’t talk to her until later. I wanted to tell her that it may not be difficult for her, but for me it is! I, for some reason, need to organize all the dishes in the sink before starting, and I scrub each a lot (she relentlessly doesn’t want to use the dishwasher.) Then I feel the urge to line them up on the drying mat. Pans on the back, glasses to the left, plates to the right, cutlery at the bottom. Then I dry them by hand and the same, I order them on the counter to later put them away. I take over an hour doing it every day. It’s exhausting, takes so long, and I don’t feel like doing anything after. It’s so weird, but I cannot avoid it, my brain just works that way. I want her to understand why I behave that way. I want to have a relationship with my mum that’s not based on weird noises that I make, and short phrases of something serious I feel like sharing, and not spill my guts out explaining the YouTube video I watched the night before. But I’m thinking it will be difficult. And well, it’s hard for me to imagine what will come in the long term, I guess work towards demonstrating my worth. I certainly have to put a lot of effort into that, but it is reassuring that I’m actually succeeding. A couple minutes ago, I handed in my last English assignment, my teacher told me I was the first to finish every assignment for the first and second semesters, in a class size of 500. I am very proud of that!
- 25 May, 2023
High School
Okay, well, now it’s been a very long time. I really haven’t felt any inspiration to write here, but it’s coming back. So, I started my senior year of high school in the US. The building was overwhelming at first, I couldn’t find my classrooms. I decided to walk around the school, I even used a compass, to orient myself. I made a nice map of where I had to take each class. The first day passed, then the first week, and I had no friends yet. I was placed in classes mostly filled with freshmen and juniors, I only share a single class with seniors. At first, I thought this was the reason I couldn’t make any friends—foreshadowing. One interesting thing I discovered is that I was not as dumb as I thought I would look like compared to people here. Many literally don’t even try to pay attention and get things done. In terms of what the school looks like, I started to make the next comparison:Mexican public high school - 1 Mexican private high school - 2 US public high school - 2 US private high school - 3It's pretty nice and large, with projectors and Chromebooks, a big gym and field, it's pretty cool. Anyways, thinking about the pandemic, and how I ruined my grades by not turning things in remotely, I vowed to fix that this year. I promised myself that I would not miss a single assignment ever. After seeing how good my grades turned out with this promise—I got into the High Honors in the first semester—I decided I would achieve the same in the second. Everyone stares at me, it might be in my head, but I sometimes look up to see their face, and they keep staring. With an expression that I can’t decipher, it’s like neutral, but mean. I joined the GSA club. On our first meeting, we introduced ourselves, I stuttered a bit. I learned that the vice president was a senior called Graham. They came in late, but when they introduced themself, I learned they are bi. I immediately felt something, like I felt we could be together. I didn’t share any classes with Graham, I only saw them on the bus, and sometimes during recess. I wanted to tell them that I liked them, but I could never do it. Plus I wanted to actually know them. So I just smiled at them. Graham would not smile back, but after a while, they started seeking me out with their sight and then I would smile. I eventually gave up. I stopped going to GSA to avoid seeing them, and I have been avoiding eye contact. At first I sat outside in the stands. It was great, I couldn’t take in how massive the field was. But when the weather turned cold I started sitting inside. I sat at the first available seat I saw coming up the stairs. A guy sat on the next bench. I later found out that his name is Evan. I didn’t talk to him, and he didn’t talk to me. Months went by and it was the same situation. One day one of Evan’a friends pointed out that we always sit there but we had never talked to each other. He then said, “she seems nice,” and “she has nice hair.” To what Evan responded, “shut up, shut up, shut uuup.” It was very funny to me. And it was especially nice to know that someone actually liked my hair. I struggle with my hair a lot, I am always trying to get it out of my face. And so, from touching it so much, it actually starts looking bad. But not really, it’s all in my head. I always come home and look in the mirror, and my hair looks fine! I don’t know why I can’t understand that. When it’s time to create a presentation or any visual, I put a lot of effort into it. This year I have made some of the best presentations ever. Truth is that it mostly goes unnoticed. My grades are very high, everything I do is very creative, and most importantly, I do everything I’m asked, and more! And still, people who don’t hand in things, who misbehave, or play sports seem to be more popular with the teachers. Right now, graduation is a month away, and actual classes end in a week. I didn’t make a single friend. I probably went entire days without speaking a single word to anyone. But I will graduate with straight A’s in all my subjects! My algebra grade is 104%!! And my overall percentage seems to be around 98, I had never achieved such a performance. I was never a bad student, but I could never score better than 91. My mum would always push me to do better, but I couldn’t. And now, completely unaware of my promise I wrote above, she always tells me that is the school that is flawed, and not me who is doing the effort. That really hurts, but I try to ignore it. I take great pride in what I have achieved, even if it’s only worth something to me. I’m just expecting college to be different. (In the social side of things.)
- 24 May, 2023
Arriving in the US
Yooo, it’s been so long! I've not written anything in months. I really should have, because these past months were pretty remarkable. So, I've been living in the US for about 8 months. My mom and I landed in JFK with my cousin, who helped us with the moving. We stayed in a long-stay hotel while we found a new home. I was so excited to visit New York for the first time! We stayed at the hotel for a little under a month, then we moved to our new apartment. We didn't have any furniture at first, I had the idea to use a long box and other two small boxes as a table, lol. I didn't expect it to be so hot, I figured it would be colder than in Mexico, because we're farther north.
- 24 Mar, 2023
ID Update Complete
So, I have been highly unmotivated to write here, mostly because of laziness. But well, I'm back and I will continue writing so I don't forget stuff. This is gonna be a long one... On January 24th I got my birth certificate, and at first, it felt awesome, I finally had the identity that was always meant to be, but that also means that my past identity is no longer valid. So overnight I lost all my school records, medical records, passport, and more. To change all those to the new name and gender, I need an updated passport. To update my passport I need a letter from school with the new identity and photo of me; school denied to give it to us with the new identity if I don't update high school records first, which I can't update without junior high school records, that I cannot update without a passport. So this was such a mess. I ended up worse than before, I could have kept my identity as it was and just had to cope with it, but that is such a horrible thing for a transgender person. Another reason why I need my passport is because my mother applied for a job in the USA, and after weeks of waiting, she got an offer. So we are moving! We attempted to update my passport on February 20th and got rejected because we didn't have the letter from school. When making the appointment we were asked to take it, but as I said, school denied it to us, so we didn't take it. We kinda expected they would reject us. We reattempted it on March 5th with a more appropriate appointment type, this one did not request the letter from school. We went to the appointment looking forward to it, we thought that was it, that last time they rejected us because we chose the wrong type of appointment. However, when we got there, they asked us for the school letter which we didn't have. They rejected us again. My mother burst to tears right then, she couldn't handle it anymore. And then she absolutely lost it. Me not being fond of it, we went to a popular place where they make fake documents, my mom requested a remake of the school letter with the wrong identity replaced with the new. Her reasoning was that people at the passport office were just going to look at the photo, then at me just to confirm that it was truly me and that's it. Thankfully, later that day when she had calmed down, she retracted. But we had left the letter with the document fakers, and had to get it back. The next Monday we went to get it and the fake letter, even though we were not planning to use it anymore. The guys made us wait at their workshop for about 20 minutes. Some other people went into the workshop and suddenly they started to beat each other up. We were really scared. We left without collecting anything. My mom asked the school if they could give us the letter however they want to make it, but if they could just add a footer stating my new name and if they could use an updated photo. Amazingly, they did. So we attempted to get my passport for the third time. This time they accepted us. They told us they would call us in 7 to 10 days when my passport is ready. They just called earlier telling us it's ready. It was such a relief to hear that. Now we can go to America together instead of a year apart as we imagined. My primary school certificate is done and corrected, and the high school one is coming down the line. Last two months were filled with a lot of frustration and stress, seems to be over for now. Now we'll need to focus on the moving. And that was it. That was long.
- 20 Sep, 2021
Coming Out
On February 25th, 2021 I turned 16. And it was around this time that I started feeling very uncomfortable about being a girl trying to act like a boy. My family frequently complimented me about my deep voice, my broadening shoulders, and my facial hair starting to appear. I felt terrible and decided I needed to say something; I set myself the goal of coming out to my mother by the end of March, the trans day of visibility. Unfortunately, I was so afraid of what my mom would say that I decided not to tell her in person, I would tell her in a letter instead. The month went by and I simply couldn’t do it, I didn’t have the courage and was too scared. I had no idea what was her opinion of LGBT people, so I didn’t know what to expect. Months later on September 1st, 2021, I decided what I wanted my name to be, Naoko, a Japanese name that means “well-behaved, straight.” At this point I had kept the letter in my room without being able to hand it to my mom until finally, on September 12th I left it next to my mother’s desk. It took her three days to discover the letter and read it during which, I couldn't handle the anxiety. On the 15th, I peered at her desk to see that the letter had disappeared, and then it dawned on me, this is it, it's happening. I walked into the kitchen, terrified, my mom turned around and told me that my letter was very special, we hugged while my mom told me she loved me and would always support me. I began crying out of joy and couldn't stop smiling! We had lunch before going to my mom's room to talk some more. She asked me if I've felt I should be a girl for a long time, the conversation felt a little uncomfortable specially when my mom started talking AIDS. The next day she seemed mad at me, or at least that’s how I perceived it; I felt terrified she wasn’t taking this good. Days later she told me that the most difficult part for her was to stop seeing the boy she’s seen grow and suddenly having to see a girl she has to call daughter. This made me understand what she’s going through, I know it’s difficult. When my mom was finally feeling better about this change she helped me come out to the rest of my family, without me to shield me from a negative reaction. She left for my godparents’ house, I was very nervous. Two hours later she messaged me to go downstairs as we would all go eat somewhere. Quietly. I got in the car with everyone and after a while my godmother asked me why I was so quiet in the Spanish feminine way. I looked up amazed and happy that everything had gone well. Telling my grandma, uncles and cousins came later, this time I was there. Thankfully, everyone had a positive reaction, even those who I feared would not accept me. But it would take time for them to get accustomed to using the right pronouns, including my mom who wouldn’t put that much of an effort and frequently referred to me as he.